DreamsofMercy's profile

If I could give you one solid piece of advice, I'd tell you to try a lot, lot harder. I hate to sound mean but this is hardly even worth reading. If you're looking for some honest critisism then I'll try to help you. First of all start spelling right. Secondly, stop trying to sound like you're some ghetto thug superstar. Then once you do these things, stop using childish and forced rhyme schemes. After every line you forced a word to ryhme with the word above it and it made this whole "piece"...

This piece was beautiful. Definently a powerful image here. Only thing I could say that would make it better is, make it longer. Love it.

The problem I have with this poem is the fact that it is very sing songy. You have good ideas and this is a decent ode, however the structure makes this poem seem very childish. Perhaps you should try not rhyming in such a monotoneous scheme. I think if you rewrote this with less or no rhyming, it'd end up being a 10 in my book.

It seems like this piece isn't too well developed, but you have something that has the potential to grow into something much more grand. You have dialogue down pat, there is only one problem in that area. Every time there is speech there is a part after it were you have ____ said or replied. I think this is slightly unnessecary and it infered by the continuation of the dialogues pattern. Other than that it seems spot on. I hope you continue on this piece and I hope you find a way to develop t...

I found this piece to be much better than others written about war. It didn't hold that nationalistic propoganda most have and instead held an unbiased feeling of a man sending out letters. The only thing I would do differently to this is make it longer. It was an easy read and a good story. Good job.