Ducttapekid15's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Menominee, MI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 08
LOC: Menominee, MI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 08
I would like to get feedback on the first chapter of my story, suggestions, comments, and anything that could help. Once I get my first chapter reading as it should then we’ll go into the next chapter and on and on until the story’s complete.
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Version 1
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Chapter Two Nick’s Turn at Bat Friday morning was cooler than usual. The sun shone dim, but bright enough for Dan to walk around. Dan wore a long sleeve blue t-shirt, blue jean pants, and his low cut black sneakers. He was already hard at work. Dan checked the lampposts and changed carts. As he worked, he had that familiar feeling as if someone was watching him. “Excuse me,” a voice called. Dan nearly lost his balance; he grabbed something to catch himself. “You oka...
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Chapter One Dan here; it’s May 12, 2125, I’m on my way to see Uncle Nate and work with him for the summer at Petersen’s Marina. This one good thing has come from moving to New Jersey from Michigan. I loved it there. I had friends there: Mark and Jesse Wilcott, Derek Marks, and others. I have friends here too, but not like in good ole MI. It’ll be my birthday soon. I hope Mark and Jesse will be able to come; it’ll be so great to see them. Dan was writing in his el...
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Version 2
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Chapter Three Our Plans Saturday morning, Dan headed to his first station and began his work. He grouped his work duties so he could get done faster. He finished at quarter after eight. He headed to the store to check what he had to do next. He restocked the bait, priced grocery items, and sodas, and swept the floor. The radio played rock music. “Great music huh kid?” Nate asked. “Yeah,” Dan replied. “I see you’re getting your duties done faster,” th...
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Why in the first few pages are you telling us everything that is going on? Isn't the purpose of the story to make us read and find out for ourselves? Sure it's nice to have a little sneak peak, but this almost negets the purpose of reading. This is a nice story. Ash sounds like he's from the UK area (real world) from his accent, perhaps Irish or Scottish. This story reminds me of a story I read a while back, but can't remember the name. Except for a couple grammar probs here and there, it's w...
You don't need to say "he was very young" so many times; we get that by the 1st and 2nd reference. On page 3 did they do "blood-letting" to relieve the pain? That's not a very common practice anymore, to my knowledge. This was great and I'm not lying. This was inspirational that this guy found the courage and will power to keep going; there are some who'd just quit, but not him. He realized his mistakes through his exp. with having to walk w/ art. limbs; I don't think I'd be so strong. You c...
I like how you mentioned that this poem was historical in a way when you mentioned about Augustus; I gather it that's Ceaser Augustus? In a way it seems to read like a diary entry but not written in the manner you/I would write an entry. Or it could read as an ode to someone Augustus must've admired. I suppose there's no record of whom he "ode"'d this poem to right? It could be one of those unsolved mysteries. Better call in Robert Stack; he'll get people calling in to solve the mystery :D
Is this a revised version? I am sure I read this before. Either way, it's great. It means simply Love will find a way. This would be great to read at a wedding or at your anniversary. You could put in the person's name in if you reword a line or two and make it more personable. Any (wo)man would love to read/hear this. Keep up the GOOD job.
This kind of reminds me of "Billy Jean" in a way, with the reporter after Michael Jackson :D. I enjoyed this poem. The taking of pictures and his pondering your motives/intentions gave me the feeling like I was you being watched. :) Do you write just poetry or short stories? Please check out "paint me a picture of suspicion v2," which is the 1st chapter of my story on here. This is an experimental mystery story that I've been working on for a while. Please let me know what you think of it. As...
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