Hey I really like this story. Reminds me a bit of Richard Scarry's writing. It would go well with illustrations and I can see this as a series - where animals live, Who flies in the sky? What's in outer space... The only line I thought was not right was "Golfers tee off to the fairway—the ground". It jarred a little. What about Golfers tee off on the fairway ground ... Very publishable.

I enjoyed this story - it has many elements that keep it moving along - the cave, the storybook imagination, the recall to reality. However, it could be more. The character needs to do something in his fantasy land - something meaningful that can carry him through the "bad" time or mood he is in. He does fly on the carpet - what does he see, hear, feel, taste... Can he be the hero in his fantasy. Think how a young boy might picture himself in an ultimate desert fantasy. Also see if you can ad...

This is fantastic story. I did notice you tend to write using a comma before an "and" or "but". This comma is redundant because you already have a conjunction in place. Consider removing it to help with the flow of the work. My only suggestions are to help keep the rhythm going. In L34, I would write: There were no dresses, no shoes, and no coats. There were fields, unicorns and castles with moats. L46 should be It's not Its Also L74 try: A maid appeared and took Beatrice's hand The last four...

I like the theme and writing. My only suggestion would be to try rewriting this poem omitting the "But" and "And" and the one "So" from the start of the lines. I feel it sort of rocks the poem a bit too much given the lines are very short and without them you can still get your point across. It also get's right to the action. You also change from Ma to Mom. For such a short story it might be good to stick to one form. good stuff

Hey great that you have started writing at a young age. You have chosen a subject you are familiar with - good start. A suggestions for you to consider would be: What is the point of your article? Do you want to persuade readers who is the best tennis player in hitory. If that is the case then you need to compare Federer with other champions. I don't want to eat up your credits so I would suggest you examine writers/writing you like for points on style and technique in writing a review/column...

There is a sense of foreboding in this piece, thought at times it perhaps lacks a certain subtlety. I enjoyed the way you have set it up and feel more could still be made of this. Because she is observing, i'd really like it if zoomed in on some details about the surrounding - we have sound and a bit of visual - it's so important to keep showing the reader as opposed to telling. I really want you to make me see (through all the senses) this place she lives in, and that would also make her mor...

I really like the second verse because it brought a sense of grounded reality to the opening verse/chorus. I was interested on how it might develop as a story with finding the grail. however, I felt it ended too abruptly, and that really there is an epic tale here that could take us on a wondrous ride instead of a quick fix. Aside from that, the words "drop-kick" seems a bit modern for this tale. :)

The story line is amusing and entertaining. But the rhythm falters and I would recommend reading this out loud to get rid of the extra beats (unless you want them in there). I would also suggest changing monster to something specific and perhaps less scary for children... something novel like a toad/gnome... still like this one though!

I think the change came too suddenly from outspread wings to them being stoned. - not sure about that "just got stoned" line either because it seems like a much too random act. It's a bit of a rollercoaster ride if you follow all the ups and downs, buts and ands.