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East's profile
AGE:
99
LOC: Madison, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 17
LOC: Madison, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 17
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Items
Version 1
14 Reviews
1 Comment
the story of fallacy pt II tell those little untruths falsities are wine no, stronger than wine they’re whiskey “When you met me that Friday morning, before The birds awoke the worms, You were dressed in blue Sitting on a green couch Waiting for me and my lies Light was a marionette then, One that could manipulate beyond colors and shapes” Come and drink with me yes it’s true that in here all art has been made from exaggerations that sweat smooth brown ink “And when I finally found Art, It ha...
Version 1
11 Reviews
0 Comments
Covering layers of skin Or stretching them Or peeling them away like sunburn First, Second, Third degree. Never once touching Organs and insides Just for the sake of knowing their feel Heart, Lung, Rib. This is the individual As defined in the mind! An undying concrete concept of the senses Color, Taste, Touch All of which are realities or inevitable presences Within the skull and spine and veins Except, Except, Except except that skin is made of sandpaper organs which sprout from vegetation ...
Version 1
12 Reviews
0 Comments
Please Accept This Personal Message Like muscled wires, our lips are pulled back only to ricochet forward again. Standing in a dim cellar you press me against drywall and the ancient cells in plaster are set into motion from our desperate heat; we are unaware that we have become catalysts to resurrection. Your hands are somehow warm in the cold parking lot- warmer than mine at least, my red jeep’s heater is hopelessly slow. November in the mid-west, in this musical and rumbling cave where we ...
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Reviews
This poem would gain a lot if you took out 2x2 end rhyme. It screams amateurism, and without it you can spend a lot more time developing your imagery. "I held him under and watched his release as he drowned and became deceased " - This is very redundant, and it's clear you were just had to find something to rhyme. "a bloody puzzle with parts now erased "- This line is haunting, and the only one with memorable imagery. Really, try rewriting it while keeping a rhythm and meter, but removing the...
I love all your stanzas, but I feel like there needs to be more in the transition from chasing the desert flowers to the sun going out. Give more description of your search. As I said, each stanza is good, but they need to be fleshed out. As it is, I'm distanced from the poem because it runs through too many ideas and settings too fast.
Hm. I don't see this as qualifying exactly as poetry. I feel like this is more a group of concrete sentences put together in stanzic form. It just feels like you listing some things off. It reminds me of an inspirational message a person could here in any classroom. I think this does succeed as a conventional inspirational message for high-school, and perhaps in that sense it is poetry. It's is secure as a collection of statements with a very nice, if not original message. If you want it to b...
The first five lines are good. Then "No one cares, nobody listens" strolls around, and that just sounds juvenile and entirely non-poetic. Line 7 is good. In line 8, I don't like the term "old fart" - but that's just me. Lines eleven and twelve are probably the best in the poem. 14 and 15 are good. In 16, I would take out the term "numb to the world"- it feels redundant after saying "neither happy nor sad". With a bit of re-working, this could be a very interesting poem. Keep up the good work.
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