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EclecticMoshi's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: Exeter, NH
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 14
LOC: Exeter, NH
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 14
I’m an unsure 18 year old who wishes he could write. Leave me some good reviews so I can improve on my skillz yo!
Most of my writing is based on life experiences. I think my biggest problem is I have a problem with my style and mechanics. Is it too boring? Does it flow? etc etc etc
I want to be an editor for Vogue. The Fashion world fascinates me.
I study Japanese and Russian. I also grew up speaking English and Spanish.
“I got a dealer in Tokyo
I got a rep in Paris
I got a agent in Colone
Shit i got a gallery in New York!
Its a mad house this modern life
Its a mad house my faithless bride”
Items
Version 1
16 Reviews
1 Comment
One Fish, Dos Peces, White Fish, Pez Negro Mrs. O’Neal’s first grade class lined up against the brick wall as our names were called for attendance. The sun had not peeked through the monsoon season clouds to dry up the little puddles of water that appear only for a week per year in Arizona. The puddles would soon turn into ice and someone on the teaching staff would slip on one of them and retire to a nice home in Florida. “Sergio…Hernandez?” Mrs. O’Neal called. “Here,” I responded. My hands ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
10 Reviews
7 Comments
Welcome Arizonan Exonians! The grand banner embroidered in the familiar red and gold of the Phillips Exeter Academy greeted guests at the entrance of the Clairemonte hotel. The tables formed a perfect pattern around the figure of a Mexican woman holding a jug spouting water. White table clothes covered the wooden tables decorated with small white candles. Fake smiles and fake handshakes waltzed around the room. Ancient white men and their stiff wives revolved around the lobby and greeted one...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
The sun rises. The life begins. Heikki held in his hands his head. Flying forcefully, not forwards but backwards. Beating bravely, his heart harbored thoughts. Eventually, evacuating every single one. His life, not lavish nor lament-filled, but grace-given, gorgeous, guiltless. Full of fierce fires formed by light spectrums. Simply ceases and flashes on his final forlorn moment. Memories merge, muddled images become beautiful. Building boldly inside. Instances indicating his Happiest highs fi...
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Reviews
Well, I think the beginning is solid. I think maybe rewording it so it sounds nicer would make it better. He passed in the fading light --> The fading light called to him or somethign like that. More imagery. The tears falling and the different colors. Too melodramatic. Cut it. The Heartache, Love, Sorrow. Again, too melodramatic. What is this, emo goth night? Broken Hearts cannot be mended, Love cannot be destroyed is cliche, overdone, boring, and unoriginal. I'd say cut that also. I feel...
FIrst of all, I like the concept. Fighting like fire and water, cliche overdone, get a new one. It doesn't bring any picture of an epic fight into my mind at all. Water can just put out fire and that's the end of that. I mean, unless you want to say that one of them was weaker than the other, go ahead, but then explain it in the poem. The lion and tiger image is a bit better, but it's not too original nor descriptive. I guess the Lion bit fits in with the "to much pride." which should be too ...
Doesn't number 3 have 6 syllables in the first line? Maybe take out the "in" and make it Snikky Dip, July. Or change it to Skinny Dip in June (May) however, I believe that July would have the greatest impact becuase it's the hottest month. Number two and number four are my favorite. I'm sitting here in the middle of the winter and I feel summer! God it was good! It's jsut something that everyone can relate to and it's poetic. It's an artistic view to something so plain and simple; it's beauti...
Well, the first obvious thing is that "there agenda being" should be "their agenda being" if you want it to be the angenda of the force that you spoke about in the beginning. However, I feel like if you leave the "there" and add an exclomation point at the end, it would be powerful also. There! agenda being...etc etc. However, the There! would make it seems as if the probelm is there, and not here. I definitely got a sort of World War 2 feeling int his poem. Also, is "mask" singular or plural...
This story is amazing. It's so beautiful and touching. The only problem I have with it is character development. I feel like Bacia's character can be furthered pushed. She died for her children, to distract the soldiers, but the way it was written it sounded as if she gave up. That would be fine, but it would be a stronger piece if she did it for her children not just to die becuase she can't take it anymore. Mukasa is a wonderful character but he needs to show more emotion when his sister di...
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