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Eden's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 25
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 25
Some girl with some stories, both true and false.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
4 Comments
My strangest light catches in the eyes of brave acolytes who come to lie, softly shining as newly minted coins. With a rough caress of recklessness; in temperate disguise of tenderness, love always tries touch me where it can. This light is a branded tribal mark on me, for only those who are made for me can see our destined intersections from their towers. My kindred come to cook and talk for hours. We sip each other slow, resining the arching bows of celestial cellos only we can hear. One fr...
Version 1
29 Reviews
24 Comments
When I saw your eyes so suddenly changed, I remembered how, that very morning, I'd stood and gazed at the limp leaves in our driveway, drowning, drifting, piling up to choke the throat of the grid – you know, the one at the mouth of that oil slicked gutter, as they do at the end of a serious rain. I watched, entranced, their clamoring together, as if by intention, in some arrythmic spinning and splintering silence, and I knew it was this day; that it was time to leave again. They are all so d...
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Reviews
Well, it's free verse poetry which can be a bit hard to critique sometimes. I would try working more on the last section because it line breaks in strange places, and I'm, as a reader, not sure if you have a reason for having created the breaks as they are. It's a bit distracting. The imagery is good though, and the rhythm is interesting (except for at the end). I just think it needs more work.
This is really smart. I like it, but many people would have issues with the sentence fragments. Isolating certain statements worked in this piece, too. What's up with not capitalizing the first letter in a sentence? It's a bit awkward, and I found it to be distracting. In general, I think this is an interesting contemplative poem. And I did get the emotional tension, especially as it heightened with the self questioning. I'm giving you a rating of seven for publishing, especially, because man...
This is very interesting, imaginative and mostly very well written. There are places where you've comma spliced where there should be two sentences, and a places where you need comma's, etc. So clean that stuff up. The imagery is vivid; really pulled me in. Also, you use some great metaphors. This is a very creative piece.
This was captivating. What a great poem. The form is terrific, it's got wonderful, evocative imagery. Some of the phrasing is a bit awkward here and there. "subtle" voice, for instance. The reference to androids is another I found distracting - but overall it's very good.
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