You've certainly packed a whole lot of action in 736 words worth of story. This story reads a lot more like a detailed outline than a finished product. I don't think it stands very well on its own as it is, but if you expanded some ideas and didn't shuffle the reader through so much so quickly, I think you'd have a wonderful short story here. Specifically, you need to rework your dialog - a lot of the conversations don't have ending quotation marks and much of it lacks the flow of a real conv...

This was fabulous! I loved the conversational tone, it reminded me very much of something you'd hear someone telling you after a few pints at the local pub. Although it's not technically a believable story - Modern/alternative sci-fi is a good way of describing it, but even that falls short - I think you pull it off really well and do a great job of getting your readers to put aside their logic and get lost in this strange little world. Great stuff.

I liked this style and loved that you went back to front. Ending with Michael's "beginning" was a nice touch and made the story of his birth bittersweet to read. You say your goal is to have a book of your own writing - if the book is simply for yourself then I'd say you're well on your way. You have a wonderful gift for telling a story in very straightforward language and don't shy away from punching your reader right in the chest with the truth. Whether or not that works for something you'd...

This is a wonderful beginning - very atmospheric and definitely leaves me wanting more. I did, however,m find this sentence a bit clumsy: Lovers are leaving now that they’ve wallowed in their lust proclaiming their ‘love’ to the sunset. The rest is so tight and succinct that this sticks out a bit. I'd tighten that up a bit and you'll be sorted. Definitely post more, you're onto a good thing here.

These notes are being written as I read through (my short term memory is crap) so I hope they're not too disconnected for you. You seem to go the long way around when you're telling a story. The beginning read clumsy the first time in, partly down to the oddly placed comma in the first line. And then the searing pain that woke him turns into moments of occasional waking - does that mean the pain isn't really searing? I don't know, that whole first chunk was just confusing. There are various g...

In relation to the 6-Word-Memoirs it fits but on its own, it doesn't. if you simply intended it for that Opportunity, then well done, I think you've hit the nail on the head. If you mean for it to stand on its own, then not so much.

For the 6-word opportunity it's connected to, it works. I did, however, have to look up enervates. That could just be because I'm a bit thick but perhaps "exhausts" would be a good alternate? Just an idea.

I'm not terribly good wit query letters so I'm afraid I can't say for certain if I think this will leave an agent or publisher wanting more but I can say that it makes me interested in reading the book. The only reservation I would have is that the two main characters seem to have a similar feel t the X-Files. If this is just an unfortunate coincidence which is completely dispelled by the book then ... well, no problem. Good luck

I'm not much of a fan when it comes to poetry so the 9 is more for making me wish this were a sort story I could really sink my teeth into.

LOL - Love it! I've read a few of these and all have been terribly seriously and so this came as a very refreshing change.