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ElegantFree's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 10
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 10
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Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
Capsized boat, like a quarter moon floating in cerulean clouds, a wooden frown in wavering waters. Night-colored hair breaks the surface, head thrown back hungrily drinking in air. Help me, you croak, voice drenched, wet hands frantically wiping stinging droplets from bloodshot eyes. I step back, chased by water lapping at my feet, and fear that paralyzes rational thought. I can’t swim.
Version 3
8 Reviews
5 Comments
A sickly green withers on the bare ground, more weeds than grass, more dirt than weeds, fruitless fruit tress planted by once little hands. A faded red block of concrete separates dead nature from the dead residence, chipped beige paint and a worn-out screen door that groans when pushed by wind. A metal shed houses rusty tools and rotting wood. An olive green clothes line bows under the weight of the sun’s rays. An undersized grapefruit tree peels away with time, beaten by storms ...
Version 1
8 Reviews
8 Comments
Grey twigs sprout from her head, replacing the silvery streamers and black silk like hair I recall from an album of crumbling pictures. The ocean waves once rooted on her face, wrinkles whispering of a ripened life, have all crashed and rested, leaving a sea of sand, unmoving and lifeless. Her thin strips of lips remind of melon rinds, pale and rough, begging for a drop of water, hugging a swollen white tongue that pokes out like a flag in surrender. She surrenders to the drum beat of her u...
Version 1
8 Reviews
8 Comments
Café is the smell of my family and my cup, cold in my hands, lulls me to a place where I can hear them sneaking between shouts of Español and their broken whispers of English, gossiping about newly divorced tias and my 80-something grandfather who has illegitimate children in three countries. Not allowed at the grown-up table, I sat with my sisters, all of us staring as they savored every drop of coffee and scandal, gently nudging us away saying we were too young to ha...
Version 1
9 Reviews
8 Comments
how can I be happy at 6 o’clock in the not quite morning, with no sun or sky only clouds hovering above, sliding freely to the ground below. As if my heart drew a portrait, the world awoke in mire. On a rainy freeway, I see myself echoed in drops of constant motion, not sure if I want to be high or down, or lower, not sure if I want to puddle where it's simple or dance with the wind. My spirits cannot be lifted under the burden of a cloud burst, my indecision is not quieted in ...
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Reviews
The emotion comes through very clearly to the reader though I do believe that there are places you can clean it up. I don't think you need the repetition, because it starts to be too much, especially of the phrase "love me." In S1 for example, you can try something like, He looks at me aloof and cold tells me I'm not good enough, asks me to change everything. He says he loves me. (or even because he loves me) I think this way there is a greater impact than just pushing the "he loves me" line ...
Was the form done so purposely in one line? I don't see that it adds anything in particular to the poem, and I think regular lines would help lead the reader through this short poem. Other than than, the last line is the only one I had trouble with. I think the problem is infusing the short line with too many exact rhymes (appears, fears, disappears). It breaks up the flow you've set up previously with the near rhymes (recliner, find her, gaze, lays). I would like to see this more developed a...
My first impression is that you are trying to give the impression of confusion with the form of you poem. I can appreciate that, but I do believe there is room to clean this up a bit with proper punctuation and even a few line breaks. I would also like to know more. You've used very brief language to ultimately ask the same question over and over again. It leaves the reader wanting to know just a bit more. Good luck with future revisions.
Thanks for sharing. It's a very clear, concise piece that conveys exactly the thought you included in your author's note. My favorite line was L10. It's a nice image. I think I understand what you intended in L6, with "I won't sell my soul" but it seems the narrator has experienced some affection with this boy, so it's not cohesive with the rest of the poem. L2, L9 and L12 were a little weaker than the rest, bordering on the cliched. I hope this helps. Well done and keep writing!
Thanks for sharing. There is an overall raw feeling about this poem. It is very obviously driven by strong emotions and that comes across clearly to the reader. There are ways to polish it up. There is room for more description. Make it come alive for the reader with images (show and not only tell). I'm not a fan of all the repetition. I think you can cut it down. For example in L6-7, you don't need "will it make me" each time. Nice effort here. Keep writing.
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