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Elithian's profile
AGE:
56
LOC: Carthage, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 16
LOC: Carthage, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 16
I do not have any goals relative to my wiritng other than to create a disciplne where I will write. I would also like to find other poetry writers that really want to develop their craft and understand that constructive criticism is necessary even if it stings.
PS;
Please don’t offer your input unless you have had some formal training and/or instruction or managed to publish for profit. I am tired of reviews that demonstrate the reviewers ignorance. Sound elitist? Yes!
And finally, I don’t review stories, prose, etc.
Just Poetry
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Version 1
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This battery operated clock is heard above the background noise, The roar of the central air as it queitly pushes the silence out And provides a cover for my thoughtlessness. A few poems read, some comments made But no kindred spirit appears available or willing to step up. It is no wonder why I so often quit to my retreat For solace from the mediocrity And solipsistic dronings of would be whatever's Unwilling to shake off the indolence Of life's shroud as we muddle though our woundedn...
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Version 2
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There is point to the effort we make In our day to day struggle Against the ever increasing entropy That piece by sweet piece Shatters our lives On the concrete of time Some people pursue the credits So they can hang accolades on their walls Drop names in coffee shops And the latest sheik clubs. Their clothes, their shoes, their friends And even the books they read Are no more than advertisements Of a pedigree they would like to claim. They fight against the ever increasing grasp Gravity a...
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Version 2
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I see the world in words, Like colors, they run in tones, shades, and hues Marking spots on the wheel of life As I run faster and faster Chasing the blood across the page As it drips, LIne by line, staining the pure white soul Of crushed linen paper. Colors, sounds, smells, feelings, truths,lies; They all erupt in a cacaphony but... But somehow falling in precious order Giving meaning to esixtence, Erasing chaos and lighting a smooth garden path Across the fields of time Boundaried and...
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Version 1
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In disbelief I stood Outside the garden In the comfort of the friend Amongst the fragrance of roses With a Full glass of his divine wine As the blossom Of blood and souls Emerged into the daylight And the assault on tranquility Left its gaping wound I looked and the friend With head held high Did not move to wipe the tears That rolled down his face As the scent of blood and souls Mixed with the roses And from outside the garden The howls of the beast were heard And I bowed my head in prayer....
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Version 1
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Disharmona When you move intentionally out And your in sinc is not No matter how close You remain far from home Far from home And lost as death Like a relentless predator Pursuing the sinews Of your blemished being. Amends, like a hidden sanctuary Beckons your darkened countenance As you foolishly Spread the wound. An the universe does not forgive Your unrepentant soul..
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Ok, Kurt, I will address this one as well. The very first thing I notice is the length. It is a long poem and as such hard to manage. It is probably too long for a beginning writer. Think of the analogy of the painter who starts with a huge canvass and then tries to paint a masterpiece. It is a difficult task. Rodin was a great sculpter. One of his greatest works was called the "Gates of Hell" It is a huge and ominous work. What most do not know it is built from many small works sort of like...
The message is unconvincing and the words are mediocre. I believe this is because the writer moved from poetry to moralizing. I think the piece was working until the shift occurred and then along with direction change the focus was diluted. I would stick to the one message without mixing them together. You could have Part 1 and Part 2. That cleans the message and also alerts the reader to the shift. It explains the shift as well. The different parts could be filtered and then the good lines i...
I don't mean to be pejorative but this is a collection of worn out cliches and demonstrates no poetic talent. I assume the writer is young and niave to poetry and needs guidance of a good instructor to begin to develop an understanding of the poetic task. There is nothing unique in this piece that would identify the writer or the "story" in some special and artful way. I recommend the writer use common imagery from his/her own life to express the intent of the work. For example, what does the...
I agree with the critique; the work lacks clarity and direction. You have some nice imagery placed in the work but I am left wondering what exactly you would like to tell me. The title fits, "no beginning". The problem is there is no middle or end. I suspect it may help to think of the story you want to tell and get clear on how your images do or do not do that. Put a clear beginning, middle and end in the work; make it make sense. It is also good to not mix metaphors; find a theme and stick...
I am not a fan of limmericks so I will be brief in my review. It was somewhat entertaining but a few of the rhymes were a little contrived. There is some problems with the rythm that could probably be corrected by more carefully constructing this piece. Again, my review is tainted because this is not a genre I care to write or read in for the most part.
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