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Elithian's profile
AGE:
57
LOC: Carthage, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 03
LOC: Carthage, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 03
I do not have any goals relative to my wiritng other than to create a disciplne where I will write. I would also like to find other poetry writers that really want to develop their craft and understand that constructive criticism is necessary even if it stings.
PS;
Please don’t offer your input unless you have had some formal training and/or instruction or managed to publish for profit. I am tired of reviews that demonstrate the reviewers ignorance. Sound elitist? Yes!
And finally, I don’t review stories, prose, etc.
Just Poetry
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Version 1
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The passing moments leave me lonely Longong for the lost days, opprotunities, And that one kiss I never tried to steal. We all have these moments That can not be disguised behind the dark sunglasses And the sheepish smiles As we are caught wishing for something a little different. Wishing we had lived a little more fearlessly I reach for the keyboard To record a moment and spread my anguish In the quiet desparation Niche wrote of And try to escape the gilded cage Through t...
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Version 2
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The lilly blossomed bright red Rising above the water ,fresh, clean and flawless Like a young lover innocent of life's trials. The sun casts a golden glow on the green leave's waxy highlights Dark green water almost concealed The orange glow of koi just beneath the surface. The hanging bamboo left reflections on the still water Like gentlemen bowing before some unseen diety. My english cocker quietly stared at the frog Quietly staring back.
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Version 2
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The air hangs heavy and moist As the sun fades into indian yellow, ochre, and alizarin crimson raindbows Between scattered clouds reflecting sunlight like satin pillows, And the Magnolias stand stiff and green, Sans white fragrant blossoms. Across the fairway reflections of the day's ending Give new life and color to the sun baked blades of grass And even the sand pits are purple and yellow in the evening light. The stains on my windshield Disappear like the lives of insects lea...
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Version 1
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The morning sun has not risen but I must Uncomforted by the glow of the halagen light On the old bedside table, a hand me down from Aunt Nellie. I am looking towards a long day as I try to comfort myself With a few gentle thoughts and spiritual proclamations. Long lost is the certainty of youth When all things are known and the objectives clear. Lost is the striving for some obtainable and tangible goal Replaced by something too close to the quiet desperation Nitche spoke of. Th...
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Version 2
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Perhaps I should not be so open; A walless castle on a tree barren hill And maybe I should hide more openly: Stones walls, moat, and draw bridge Gating my woundedness. Defeated, like Arthur, drawing both love and death closer To finally rest on a guilded sword Blood embracing hands, belly, and loins In an uncommon warmth As I long to touch your wet soul To journey with you along a deserted, intimate path. To stare into the vast horizons hidden in the reflections of your eyes And t...
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Goodmorning CG. I don't like the rating system so I will no longer take it serious. In our poems we strive for a ten or it is nothing as art is an ultimate expression and therefore mediocrity is unacceptable. I think our efforts to perfect our writing is all we can hope for and then the work speaks for or against itself. In this particular effort you have some nice images and metaphors but I don't understand all of your line breaks. I think some of your lines need to be extended so I as the ...
Ok, Kurt, I will address this one as well. The very first thing I notice is the length. It is a long poem and as such hard to manage. It is probably too long for a beginning writer. Think of the analogy of the painter who starts with a huge canvass and then tries to paint a masterpiece. It is a difficult task. Rodin was a great sculpter. One of his greatest works was called the "Gates of Hell" It is a huge and ominous work. What most do not know it is built from many small works sort of like...
The message is unconvincing and the words are mediocre. I believe this is because the writer moved from poetry to moralizing. I think the piece was working until the shift occurred and then along with direction change the focus was diluted. I would stick to the one message without mixing them together. You could have Part 1 and Part 2. That cleans the message and also alerts the reader to the shift. It explains the shift as well. The different parts could be filtered and then the good lines i...
I don't mean to be pejorative but this is a collection of worn out cliches and demonstrates no poetic talent. I assume the writer is young and niave to poetry and needs guidance of a good instructor to begin to develop an understanding of the poetic task. There is nothing unique in this piece that would identify the writer or the "story" in some special and artful way. I recommend the writer use common imagery from his/her own life to express the intent of the work. For example, what does the...
I agree with the critique; the work lacks clarity and direction. You have some nice imagery placed in the work but I am left wondering what exactly you would like to tell me. The title fits, "no beginning". The problem is there is no middle or end. I suspect it may help to think of the story you want to tell and get clear on how your images do or do not do that. Put a clear beginning, middle and end in the work; make it make sense. It is also good to not mix metaphors; find a theme and stick...
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