Fastbody's profile

The only real complaint I have regarding this piece, is the transition between the supernatural state and the real world. I can see how it would work if you could visibly see what was going on, but since we're dealing with text it sort of adds to confusion and leads to rereading that section. I just think another sentence or two between Blake talking to Yolanda and being awakened by the vagrant would clarify that. I think the supernatural forces are handled well. I like how you sort of eased ...

I would suggest staying as far away from the name Kane as is possible. It is probably the most overused name in fiction at this point between Hung Fu, Mortal Kombat, Kane & Lynch and of course the Bible (as Cain). Other than that, I think you've got a good start to a story. I would just make sure you go through and change courters to quarters and look into where you should use past versus passed.

I think this is a fun piece. I see where you were trying to go. One suggestion I would make is that the line "on the community park of matter" seems really cumbersome. I think it's because the rest of your finishing lines are 6 syllables and that one chimes in at 8.

I really like the subject matter and I like your format throughout the poem. Unfortunately I think that the goth/emo cultures over the past 15-20 years have rendered the "We are " lines as cliché. I think you could honestly go through the poem and remove every instance of "We are" and the impact you were seeking doesn't diminish, but the cliché is.

I think the fact that the lines are so short with the alliteration makes it difficult to really discern the direction of the poem.