I'm not entirely sure I understand the motive for Gyrin's attack on Sorrow. It almost seems premeditated in the way it was presented. I have a feeling that's just something for the rest of the book though. What I would like to offer is that with Sorrow being trained as an assassin for his entire life, it seems to me he would probably be more proficient in "rolling with the punches" and be able to take what would look like a massive beating without actually taking much damage since he should h...

Overall I like the feel of disjointed continuity that you use throughout the poem. However, I think you could get more punch if you were to turn it into a series of smaller poems since you have 3 distinct story arcs going on here with one major arc over the top of that. The reason I mention that is that in the second arc where you discuss the protagonist falling for another guy's girl, you sort of change speeds and get less disjointed and enter more into a narrative state.

Very dark subject matter...I like that. One thing that kind of bugs me, and I can't totally put my finger on it is the line: Half lit smiles, muffled cries For some reason that just SOUNDS cliché. I do understand why it's there and how it fits, it's just something in the back of my mind doesn't like it. Other than that, I think you did an outstanding job keeping the reader interested with your patterns and rhyming scheme.

I think it's pretty apparent that you have some talent locked away that you're starting to bring out. One thing I would suggest in your writing is to try and tone it down a little. Everything doesn't have to be the wildest ride to keep people interested. Maybe try and add some more mundane features to your story and see how it fleshes out.

The only real criticism I have for this poem is that even though you only used the word "wrong" twice it seems repetitive due to their close proximity to each other. No small feat, but I'd suggest maybe another word choice for one of them or a restructuring of the poem to spread them apart.

I think the fact that the lines are so short with the alliteration makes it difficult to really discern the direction of the poem.

I really like the subject matter and I like your format throughout the poem. Unfortunately I think that the goth/emo cultures over the past 15-20 years have rendered the "We are " lines as cliché. I think you could honestly go through the poem and remove every instance of "We are" and the impact you were seeking doesn't diminish, but the cliché is.

I think this is a fun piece. I see where you were trying to go. One suggestion I would make is that the line "on the community park of matter" seems really cumbersome. I think it's because the rest of your finishing lines are 6 syllables and that one chimes in at 8.

I would suggest staying as far away from the name Kane as is possible. It is probably the most overused name in fiction at this point between Hung Fu, Mortal Kombat, Kane & Lynch and of course the Bible (as Cain). Other than that, I think you've got a good start to a story. I would just make sure you go through and change courters to quarters and look into where you should use past versus passed.

The only real complaint I have regarding this piece, is the transition between the supernatural state and the real world. I can see how it would work if you could visibly see what was going on, but since we're dealing with text it sort of adds to confusion and leads to rereading that section. I just think another sentence or two between Blake talking to Yolanda and being awakened by the vagrant would clarify that. I think the supernatural forces are handled well. I like how you sort of eased ...