Feed_Me_See_More's profile

What is the Clerihew format? I like it all right. I just wish there was more of a... punch line - for lack of a better word. It's nice that we follow the character through his day. But I wish there was some solace that he came to in the end, to make it sentimental... or some sort of funny irony/sarcasm that put closure to the meaningless toil. In short, I wish the character found a way “outside the code.” Whatever you do, the ending needs more strength, and to add something new (possibly taki...

It's a great story for your daughter. But as far as being published I would imagine that it needs more impact. Formally, asteticly, or intellectually. I just need somthing to grab me. And if all you have is sentementality, it must be very powerful formally. Just thoughts. It's a solid sentimental story, but seems sort of thin.

So first, I like your form. Rather, your way of breaking up the poem. You seem to have a good handle on poetical forms, though I don’t see close attention to syllables, sounds, or meter (not that you need to do that.) Still, the form makes sense, and is pretty. Though, it could have more going for it in terms of relation to the content. (i.e. It could be in Greek verse, Roman verse, or something like that.) Though the parentheticals, so seem to fit in with a Greek kind of writing (the meta-co...

the air opaque with ghosts and she comes. I like this line. I don't think you need the repetitious phrase "she always comes". It's a bit romance novelish for me. As a matter of fact: The sexual reference should be toned down all together, and you almost have this great sexual, haunting vibe. But it gets a bit too explicitly about sex for me, too much about what she's doing, and her physical actions, and her smell, make it too real. I would like to feel the romance, more than see it. An image...