That part when the florist quickly wrapped up the convo was cool. I work in retail and don't mind talking with people but once things get too serious or dark. I'm like okay move along. This is still coming off as two stories under one title but I know you'll mesh them together. Sorry for the lack of grammar corrections. I didn't spot anyhthing I would call incorrect b

You don’t, like, think you won’t get caught-You don't like to think you won't get caught This happening like 4 years ago,-This happened four years ago I really like this..it's kind of creppy. I would say creat some paragraphs to spread it out a little. Also you use the word like a lot...if your character is young it works because that's how a lot of kids talk...I do it sometime also..but when reading it, like it gets like kind of annoying. Beside that I like this.

So did he just let her die..or am I missing the point. I like the first paragraph and the ending but the little that happened between left me confuse. Like I missed the over message. Grammar wise I didn't spot anything.

THis is really good and scary, the whole memory thing has been done many times but with your story it's kind of funny and entertaining. I've read the chapters after and will keep reading as you post.

lol, I glad we kind of got in her head....It just shows how some people just lie just because. There's not much to say about his. grammar wise it was good and overall a fun read.

eeryone that CJ-everyone he stillhas-still has "Cole it's time for school,-comma after Cole I asi about throwin-say The smile on CJ's face started to fade.-you never mentioned he was smiling in the first place...just his sister. sai"I do",-said most populat-popular Grammar problems, but to me...no big deal. Plot wise it's kind of a generic teen story so far. His powers make it interesting and his gender. Usually girls are the main characters in these type of stories. I'm interested in the plo...

Honest...you lost me once he bumped his toe. The only real problem I had was that I didnt understand what the dome was. First time reading....I thought he was in one....the second time reading I saw it as an artifact. I really want to know what happened because I liked this and your writing style...even though i came out of it scratching my head.

Is it bad that I felt bad for Martin and complete ignored the main character's feeling? I know she will come off as the scorn woman but to me I thought she was pretty bitchy...BUT at the same time I was rooting for her to destroy this loser. Like life, this very short piece is complex...and everybody will see it differently which is good.

Very good detail. And all the emotion added to the very good dialog. I thought this was funny but at the same time wrapped up in this very good mystery.I hate liking stuff on Urbis because it's our job to point out faults...but to me this was perfect...the guy in the beginning was creepy...even creepier once I found out she was teen. I'm not sure what she is but I'm sure we'll find out.

He fired at not at Bob-remove the first at not much to complain about. I still like being in the dark. Sometimes I get annoyed and feel things get dragged out in mysteries. With your story you create a lot of questions and you answer them with more. I really hope you know where you're going with this. I'm willing to follow it to the end.