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Gaeltree's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 18
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 18
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Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
I tripped my way inside. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Not the entrance, but the red fire engine truck waiting by the entrance. You know the kind, the monster variety … the type kids can crash multiple times over. Yes, I know. Good value and all that. I’m just saying, it’s the kind that when you step on, it carries your weight and there’s the disaster waiting. I mean who leaves a truck by the doorway? And then again there’s the doll, or whatever is left of the doll. I try not to look b...
Version 2
3 Reviews
0 Comments
Calen opened the door to his flat. He didn't notice that the door was unlocked. He was too tired to notice anything. He simply pushed himself in, slung his overcoat into the built-in wardrobe by the door and ignored it as it sank to a heap. He pulled the mail out of his letterbox, glancing through it as he walked into his living room. At first, he didn't notice anything different, his attention on the mail he didn't care for. The smell tipped him off. She used to describe it as the smell of t...
Version 1
9 Reviews
5 Comments
When Anjali was born, her seven silent brothers had left home for their partners and wives. Her mother looked over at her and told her that she was different and Anjali believed. When she was four years old, she overhead the women in the market place singing, ‘ mama Jando has a man for a bride, mama Jando has a priest by her side, who is the fairest to be born, mama Jando knows, oh she knows’. The women in the market place did not know that Anjali had overheard them. No children were allowed ...
Version 1
10 Reviews
5 Comments
Calen opened the door to his apartment. He didn't notice that it was unlocked. He was too tired to notice anything really. He simply pushed himself in, slung his overcoat into the built-in wardrobe by the door and ignored it as it sank to the heap at the bottom. He pulled the mail out of his letterbox, glancing through it as he walked into his living room. At first, he didn't notice anything different, his attention on the mail he didn't care for; it was the smell that tipped him off. She use...
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Reviews
This is a good story, good beginning, strong characterisation and strong visual imagery. However, the style of writing I found stilted. There is the introduction of a new(ish) culture and with that I think the storytelling has to be clearer and dare I say it, simpler. Most of this I think will come with revising the story a few times, but I'm asking if you need to tell this story with words like 'pruritus', 'brought forth' and 'naught' and whether the language has to steeped in the past when ...
This sounds like a good prologue to a story. I suggest including a little bit more on how the war takes place between the spirits above and below, because you've characterised them, if only lightly. For example, how does the moon spirit control the water spirit, how does she gain control etc. I would also holding on to the characterisation so using he/she instead of the - this adds to the imagery you have created in your story. However, if you do want to make this more than a prologue, it wou...
The guilty had to be punished so that she could rest - there's something about this sentence that's too heavy handed this early on. The truth had to finally be brought out into the light. It had suffered in darkness for much too long. - The following sentence repeats the proposition in the first sentence, i think less would be more. As a young man I wanted - is a strange conversational phrase to use, most people I reckon would say - when I was younger or something to that effect... I want hav...
Yes, it is sad. I am curious why you this up for review. As a critique, I would say that there's more you can do with it. You could describe the older lady in greater detail, say a little more about why you are struggling and where you think this irrational phobia may have come from and why you love singing. I think it has a lot of potential for a great reflective piece. Cheers
I think when introducing a character, it's better practice to use the name, followed by the relationship, so where the story reads 'my dog Petey' or 'my wife Connie', I suspect that 'Connie, my wife' and etc helps to personalise the character as opposed to objectifying the character. I also think you might have to watch out for ‘word clutter’. So for example you use - 'at the first time', instead of 'when'. Then there is compounding your verbs. E.g you could say ‘just learning to play the gui...
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