Glum's profile

There's a nice tone to this piece, although I think there are a few points that could do with tidying up. The sentence at the end of the second paragraph seems to break the flow. I wonder if there would be another way of interjecting that point. I felt the 'and' here was odd:"...had he been in Victor’s place and the secondborn." It's a given so I think it should worded more like: "Had he been in Victor's place - the second born - he might have been a musician." Also, I would write second born...

Wonderful! A great bit of light relief. This dialogue wouldn't be out of place in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the action seems more From Dusk Til Dawn. Nonetheless, when it began I thought I wouldn't like it due to the cheesyness - I soon realised that it was intentional and I think it worked well. One thing: The line about Studly kicking the taxi through its lung (classic!) left me wanting more. Is he a super-hero? Does he have powered body armour? What? I love it short and sweet like this...

Superb. Nothing to criticise but I thought a bit of hearty praise wouldn't go amiss! Thinking back I'm fairly certain you didn't mention them being siblings until it came out in the conversation. The reason I say this is because I _knew_ they were, almost instantly. Something about their bickering gave it away. You must have a brother/sister to know this kind of relationship so well. I will seek out more of your work. Thanks.

Your story is not bad, but I think the writing suffers a bit from some basic problems. There's quite a bit of repetition, some simple errors and many overly long sentences. I won't go into great depth as it would make this review too long (and expensive!). Here are a couple from the start of the piece: Para 1, Line 8: "My mature psyche..." I felt this sentence was a bit clumsy. For me, 'o.k.' should be 'okay' and the last part should be separated with a semicolon. Para 2, Line 1: There's a me...

Firstly, I need to be honest and say that in general I don't enjoy this kind of material normally - pure fantasy that is. So, with that in mind, here is my opinion of this chapter. I felt that overall it was a little laboured, although that often seems to be the case in this genre. I would like to see the narrative, which is good, tightened up. This could possibly be achieved by simply making some of the sentences a little snappier. For example, the seventh paragraph begins with an overly lon...