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HKilpatrick's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 07
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 07
I’m Hugh. I’m Nineteen. My stuff is all a bit muddled at the moment. I love fantasy and poetry. Reading and writing them. Add me.
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Version 3
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I’m lying here all alone; I’m under my bed, Silence is all around me; it’s even in my head. And I’m waiting here for you; I’ve been waiting so long; If only you knew, this is where you belong. The darkness is growing and seems to get thicker, I can hear my heart beat as it begins to go quicker. You’re all I can think of; thoughts just of you, All the things you say and all the things you do. Shadows unite; soon I’ll disappear, Nothing for me to see, nothing for me to hear. But inside my mind ...
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Version 2
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Last night I dreamt of you, A dream for us, of just us two. Alone in the world, just you and I, You just a girl, and me just a guy. You first caught my eye, in St. Marks Square, I watched from afar as you twirled your hair. While you basked in the sunlight your skin was as bronze, You movements of grace could challenge a swan’s. You captured my attention and refused to let go, A beauty to be experienced, not only for show. Then your gaze turned and focused on me, Love at first sight, what el...
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Every five seconds - try 'Every few seconds'. Its stands out, and makes me think at exactly five seconds he turns around each time. 'He regained his footing and crawled as quickly as possible up to the roof. He got up and examined his injuries.' Possibly change to climbed if you mean that he climbed up onto the rooftop or stood if you mean he stood up. Got is a bit ambiguous as to what specifically he was doing. "fired off a desert eagle at James." Change to hand gun or just 'fired at James.'...
'sitting into a lecture hall writing poems' - is this meant to be sitting in a lecture hall writing poems? Overall very impressive.
Fantastic poem. Really enjoy the repitition of the last line of each stanza. Ie a mother's heart.
Good Imagery. Missing some punctuation that would make reading it easier. Like pieces of an exploding mirror, nights have, deep into the sky of the eternal day, cut with sharp-edged nightmares and flashing images of burning flames.
Im not quite sure what you were trying to achieve with this line, 'And you all of me,' is it meant to say 'And you own all of me,'? 'From now until forevermore, amen.' This line isnt technically right. Forevermore is more appropriate without the until, but still off. Until makes forevermore a moment in time, as in 'now until sunrise'. Without the now it makes it sound a little better. But if you changed forevermore altogether i think it would dramatically improve the line. You could have 'Fro...
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