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Helmling's profile
AGE:
33
LOC: El Paso, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 17
LOC: El Paso, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 17
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“Some Hemingway” Her breasts--fuller than before, like her wider hips, meatier thighs--rest against the padding of the bedding. Full. The light is still there, glazed softly on the outside of the window, but she hears in the purr of the rays striking the glass that the sun itself has passed by. Is he still-gone-again? It is almost evening. His class was over hours ago. She shifts to her side.
The child is quiet.
She feels the difference in that quiet. Feels the change coming.
A changing o...
Version 1
17 Reviews
10 Comments
~prologue~ I sit by the fire, weary beyond telling. A sharp crack ejects an ember from the embrace of the stone and heat, leaving to die its ghost out on the floor. I wonder for a moment as a thin line of luminous red light squirms along the uneven shape of it, as the glowing fibers creeps across the black coal, consuming it. Is its essence changed by the light? Changed by fire? Or is something within its nature simply released? Is this fate played out on this dark corner of my floor, or is i...
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There are some interesting things going on here, but I think in general it all calls out to be developed more thoroughly. I would ask you to consider whether the shifts in point of view actually add to your reader's experience of this young person's mental state. I think by far the best moment is when the narrator is given pills in the hospital and thinks "isn't this why I'm here." That was golden and you should find a way to accentuate it. Maybe move it forward, make it the beginning. Maybe ...
If you're American, then punctuation goes inside the quotations. Across the pond, it's the opposite. Speaking of punctuation, you've got some comma splices: "The journey was in an awkward silence, I didn’t know how to speak with her still, she seemed to be doing all the talking." which are run-on's. If that's just a stylistic choice, then sorry and ignore the nitpicking. You've got the "As I do so..." line twice in the sex scene. I'm also assuming that you shifted into the present tense in th...
Ok. The mythology and elements of your story seem very familiar from other sci-fi and fantasy literature, movies, and TV. I'm not sure if you realize this and I'm not sure what you could do about it, but the entire concept--planets aligning and bringing about a cataclysm just as they did in the past--is a well-worn concept. In terms of your plot development, you seem to be moving very quickly into this situation. I have no idea what you intend to do with it, but the opening seems rushed. Take...
I certainly can't fault your reasoning. Though I think a lot of modernization of Shakespeare have fallen short, some have been brilliant. Could you give me the link for that message board, sounds like my kind of place? As a matter of fact, I joined urbis to promote my book which is a reimagining of Hamlet.
The anonymity of the third person works for this particular piece, because of the shameful nature of the confession, but you'll probably want to branch out from it in the future. For my two cents, I would end the poem/moral at "dry."
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