Hoffmane21's profile

Hoffmane21 avatar
AGE: 25
LOC: Salinas, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 17

My name is Erin and I am 25 years old. I am currently working on 2 books. The first is an Adult Novel and the other will be based more for a young adult audience. I joined this site because I have been feeling a bit insecure and hope to find some helpful advice on my writings. I welcome constructive criticism and would love to hear from otehr authors on the good and bad points of my writing abilities. I love to review, as I love reading, and I will let you know now that I do not sugar coat things. I tell it like it is, I tell you how I feel about a piece. I am honest in that way, and some people find it hard to accept. I apologize if you have felt upset over something I put in your review, but I tell it like I feel it as I read. IT is on…

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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / My Dear Friend
Version 1
9 Reviews   9 Comments
My Dear Friend, Forgive me if my words cause you pain, as I would never want to hurt you. Forgive me for speaking truthfully on matters that you may not want to discuss further. You cannot continue this way. The path you see before you may seem like the right one, clear of obstacles, bright and sunny. But you must veer of this path, as it is deceptive to the eye. Each day that you keep to this path, you will lose yourself, the mist will thicken, and will soon be a black cloud that will hover ...
Ratings & Rankings
Horror / Original: Untitled, Chapter 2
Version 1
8 Reviews   0 Comments
********** He stood over me, panting hard. I’d put up a good fight, but he was too strong, and eventually he overwhelmed me with his force. He’d hit my face, and choked me, but I fought until the last blow of his knee to my stomach. It knocked the wind out of me, but it wasn’t my lack of breath that stopped me. “Please,” I coughed out, “please don’t do this. Can’t you see I’m pregnant?” The man grinned. “Doesn’t make any ...
Ratings & Rankings
Horror / Original Version: Untitled: Prologue & Chapter 1
Version 1
9 Reviews   3 Comments
How did I get this way? I do not remember always being like this, one of those people, always seeing the bad first. Expecting the worst, and never believing in the infamous “silver lining”. Lately I am that person that will complain about everything that happens to me but about what happens to others, and although I can see the disinterest in the faces of those I speak to, I keep on, never stopping. Maybe at this point I am only speaking to myself. I do not notice when my company ...
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Horror / Prologue & Chapter 1: Untitled
Version 3
12 Reviews   8 Comments
How did I get this way? I do not remember always being like this, one of those people, always seeing the bad first. Expecting the worst, and never believing in the infamous “silver lining”. I am that person that will complain about everything that happens to me but not to what happens to others, and although I can see the disinterest in the faces of those I speak to, I keep on, never stopping. Maybe at this point I am only speaking to myself. I do not notice when my company decide...
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Horror / Writers Block: Prologue
Version 3
12 Reviews   10 Comments
“How’s it coming along honey?” Anita Whitfield asked her husband Ethan. “Fine!” He snapped with a hint of irritation in his voice. “Fine,” he said again, trying not to be so short with her. He’d been working on his book now for over nine months now, but it just didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, and frankly, it was a little frustrating. Hell, a lot frustrating, and all these little interruptions were not at all helping him to concentrate....
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Reviews
Short Story / Book, Real Book
by rollingbolus
Dual knows I smoke enuff hank- I know it is probably spelling but I can't get what Dual means... Some months ago, soon after we’d just celebrated a quarter of a century spent - this sounds way to intelligent after the first paragraph. Maybe it's just me, but I feel it isn't consistent with the language of the peice. Although you are going for the "text feel" I still would rather read with dialougue in quotations. It is too hard on some readers to have to decipher when people are talking and i...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Eudaimonia
by Sylo
She had to get away from the men hunting her. She threw all she saw, as she barreled clumsily, hurling bins and as many obstacles as she could. -To make this simpler, I would try something like "She ran clumsily, hurling anything that she could see to slow the men hunting her. She had to get away." It sounds cleaner, less cluttered. becoming lax with her adrenaline -I would go with and instead of with. the serum had reached her brain. -Maybe mention she felt a prick in the back...Like a tranq...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Eudaimonia
by Sylo
Great start, you threw me straight into the action, and I could feel her need to get away. I wanted her to make it! (But knowing they got to her before she did makes it even more interesting as to how she will get away nest time, and I am pretty sure there will be another attempt.) Waking up, her eyelids lifted as if being pried open. -GREAT imagery. It would feel like that after being tranq'ed I would imagine! Something about the way she talks to this "doctor/scientist" makes me think of Max...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Gods And Goddesses: Earth_Chapter One
by NeonAngel
Her hands curled into fists with determination, kicking off into the Water she made splash. -The way this is described leaves me confused. Why not say 'with determination, she made her way into the water.' The way it is described I cannot see it in my mind. Is she getting into a river? A bathtub? A shower? Lake? Or even "She made a splash as she kicked into the river?" something along those lines will give us a better idea of what is happening. Who is Nuraka? I am getting a good dialogue from...
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Tucson (a very small excerpt)
by Deadsage
I shouldered open the car door, enjoyed the familiar creak it made. - I would go with either 'enjoying the familiar creak' or 'and enjoyed the familiar creak' I like the beggining and as you mentioned it is a good start but I would have to read more to get a good feel for it. I like the main character, I can tell something is going on with him that he wants to keep locked up. I could feel his tension when the men walked into the restaraunt and that is good. You have a good eye for detail and ...
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