Iniriba's profile
AGE:
32
LOC: Spanaway, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 28
LOC: Spanaway, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 28
HI! I am a full time mother of 5 boys. I write in my spare time (What spare time you ask?!) I have a myspace under the same name and photo. InribaGreyMyst check me out there if you like!
Items
Version 3
5 Reviews
0 Comments
Blackfell watched with narrowed eyes as an army of tan skinned desert goblins struggled to free a huge stone structure from the golden sands of the Faceless Desert. Planks of wood harvested from a distant forest held back the sands to reveal the bone colored obelisks of the temple. Swaying ropes dangled from the walkways and bridges of the dig site as goblins rushed about. A large goblin scurried across the burning sands towards the large canvas tent. He stopped at the edge of the shadow cas...
Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Sunset was several hours ago and heat still rolled of the blacktop in hazy waves. A full moon hung heavy behind thick black clouds that had been gathering as the air cooled. The lonely gas station was like an oasis of light, Ted thought as he tapped the glass of the gas gauge. The needle was on E. He coasted the car into the parking lot, hot engine making a tic-ticking sound as it cooled in the night air. Ted hoped that the next rave Mark decided to drag him off to was somewhere with more gas...
Version 1
8 Reviews
8 Comments
The hot engine made that tic ticking sound as it cooled in the night air. Halogen lights buzzed over-head like some giant insect. The lonely gas station had been an oasis in the desert. Heat still rolled of the blacktop as the teenagers pulled into the parking lot. The full moon hung heavy behind thick black clouds that had been gathering since the summer sun had set allowing the world to cool. The gas gage needle was sitting on the little stopper that held it up. Mark opened the hood and let...
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Reviews
The idea has potential. I would stick to one area as far as the 'kind' of supernaturals you are dealing with to start. As in Vampires/Were-creature, Cyborgs/Psionics or Angel/Demon. I hope that makes sence. It makes things less complex for you as the writer as well as for us the reader. As an opener this would not work. You give to much information to start with, boring the reader with background info that we would rather learn through getting to know the characters. I was most interested in ...
I really enjoyed reading this! I have 5 boys myself and have made the LONG road trip from Seattle to Fargo ND three or four times! I wish I had that book! My husband and I would have been better fed. No more beef jerky and twinke for us! Your use of description was amazing. I could feel the summer heat and Smell the burnt engine grim. Not to mention the Avon. I dont normally read non fiction works but you made this life story a treat for others to read.
The story is easy to see as I read through it. the intro to the spiders is intresting and well done. I couldnt find any terrible grammar issues, but then it is not something I excel at anyway. If I had picked this up at the book store I would buy it. As a Christian, I am not sure how to take the bible referances. I hope that you are working on a story in the same vien as Narnia.
This was a bit confusing at first but as I continued to read, I realized that was part of the story. There is one part that I had to go back and reread to make sure that you had switched characters...When he first starts talking about The Doctor or "Dr. Petkovic had discovered a way... " You may want to clarify in a section like this that he has switched places again so that your audiance does not have to go back and check to make sure. I am not as deeply scifi as I know some people are, ther...
Grabbed my attention right away. I am curious to know what she means by "And as long as he remembers, I exist." that last statement gives the feel of a ghost, yet the opening sentence talks of dreams. I have to say, I think I know where she is coming from. Just that I can make that connection says you did something right. I hope you reach your goals.
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