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JENNYESPO's profile
AGE:
30
LAST LOGIN: September 03
LAST LOGIN: September 03
Check me out at www.myspace.com/57768747
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Version 1
28 Reviews
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Their voices are all around me. High pitched squeals of evil joy. Their voices tear through me seeming to shake my muscles and shatter my bones. They prance around the fire as if it's some kind of god. But the fire is not what they worship. It's a much more powerful being. They all bow down to him and sing songs of praise. Their songs are sickening and intoxicating. I try not to listen but it's all around me. A thought comes to me but it's gone before I even realize it had been thought; I do...
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Taking your age into account, I think you have a great imagintion and I honestly felt the love between the two rats. I thought you brought that forth very well. Unfortunalty, there is not a very big maket for these kinds of stories for adults. I think you should take it down to a child's level and add more to the rats personalities; maybe Elis went through an exerience were other rats though he was different or didn't like him before he met the love of his life.
Very powerful. A tale of what is on the inside eating away at us until there is nothing left; like you said just a shell is left. Is it selfishness to want to be happy? Is it selfishness if someone else didn't keep up there end of the bargin? I hope the answers can be found before too much damage is done.
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I liked the story but, from the first paraghraph I wasn't sure who the story was about. I think it would have been clearer if you said something like "...the tall boy sneered as Josh walked past...". I did like the descriptions that fallowed though. As far as tension, it wasn't a nail bitter but I think you got the idea across. I was surprised by the ending. Like I said, I liked it:)
I really liked this peek into the daily routines of a social outcast. I really felt for the character of the story. You brought forth this story well. I can't wait to see what happens!
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