For a child it is something that they may get something out of, but for me it was bit too perfect of an ending. Tiberius learns his lesson and shares wit his friends. You could definately add alot more to this story. There needs to be more conflict i think between T and his friends, T and his sister grace, and i think that you should have him interact with his other sisters as well.

i like the argument. Anytime a writer tries to show a person such has Manson from a different perspective than what is socially accepted, is something that will either be enlightening or uninspiring. I think that you have the beginnings of something here. You need to dig deeper into how he became who he was, and maybe what he offered those that followed him. All it takes is a bit of wit and creativity to have the reader seeing your side to the story.

i don't know too much about haiku and all that jazz, but i like the imagery. If i am reading it correctly, i like the idea of using a hippo to describe the scene.

I must admit I'm not a huge sci-fi fan. Other than Vonnagut, I'm a novice. I think that you need to push past the stereotypes that you allow to infiltrate your story. Such as her pushing aside the fact that no one has seen this door before, and it appeared out of nowhere. Then to push it aside as a joke, i don't know if that is convincing enough. I think that you should also work at giving the characters a little bit more distinction. At times they seem too generic. Your writing sci-fi, don't...

With genre writing there is alot more that you can get away with. The description of each thug's gun seems like there is no reason for having this. The fact that they have guns should be enough. Possibly give indication to one of the guns, but you don't need to have the narrator list the different guns being shot at the main character. It takes away from the scene, it adds where there really isn't a need. Don't get me wrong the fact that these men have these weapons is all the more thrilling,...

I think it is a very creative and fresh look at adolesent lit. The words you used to make the story have its own voice were positive attributes to the story. Although the novel this reminds me of isn't really anything like yours at all it does alot with language. It reminded alot of a clockwork orange, eventhough the stories are nothing alike. I think that you need to add more of that language that the narrator uses at times. Really fill the story with it. Make it so we still can read it and ...

I liked it. I think for this to get published you will have to examine the ideas you have deeper. You want the reader to leave with a strong resonation about what they just read. This could have that if you dig deeper and use more ways to show the problems that come along with money. This could be especially effective, because of the capitalist system that we all live. It puts a higher value on financial worth, than other societies and that has always been a negative to capitalism. So i think...

I liked it alot. Just one continuous rant or a poem. I think you may want to look into investing into a bit more puncuation. Not alot more. Just maybe comma or two. Sometimes when a writer writes a poem like this, or is prone to using long winding sentences, some of the best lines can be overlooked or devalued, because there is no stopping so that the words don't resonate as deep.

I liked it. When they were gonna jab the kid with the needle i got upset. It did a good job of protraying a scene. I think that inside the young kids head is a good narrative style for you. Well written and overall enjoyable. The numbers on your questions would have been higher, but if there was more to it. This is an extremely tramatic event for this young person (for any young person) you should embrace that a bit more. Let the effects of it shine through by elaborating on what followed thi...

It was good, but too short. For this to get published, you will have to dig deeper and detail more of those inner emotions that you are trying to present to the reader. I liked the idea of the last line. The play on the darkness and the light. it could speak to the same person can't it? we all have darkness and light and we all struggle with both. I think that you can play out this emotion much, much more. it's all there. All the inspiration you need is inside all of us so just uproot that an...