JacquelineDawson's profile

This reads more as extract from a novel than a short story, if you ask me. Maybe it's because it feels unfinished and seems the kind of story that has more both before and after this scene. I think you should definitely change the title. What with the mentioning wings and all, really, in my mind some sort of angel is flying about - not that I'd go for Guitar Angel, either. If I had to point out *one* thing I think would maybe make this even better, I'd give her some more thougts, reveal some ...

Final critique at the bottom. I didn’t know what he meant at the time, although I do now. but the man who’d made all the blood come out held me close and told me not to worry → Rephrase? And that man, he was old enough to be my father → Nice touch, but could be used better, I’m sure. And after he left I cried, quietly because I did not want anyone else to hear → I’d love a longer break in between ‘cried’ and ‘quietly’. Maybe do it ‘And after he left, I cried – quietly, because I did not…’ Tha...

You should trim some of the words away so the rhyme will come more naturally - and keep it in here because it's a nice little piece of text. Categorizing anything 'Poetry' makes it sound so serious, in my opinion. I'd rather you call this a humouristic rhyme (; I loved the last verse - maybe I'd change the "that" to a "'cause", but well - we're all different, I imagine (: For now anyway. I fear the day I'll end up looking like my mother ;D

It wasn't exactly "haha"-hilarious, but I really enjoyed this. If you ever feel like expanding this, I'd LOVE to see just a bit more of the female anger (which could probably be my own on a bad day) presented by the witchlike woman with the pot and the bottles of oil. It's unbelievable how insane we can be, sometimes. Almost as unbelievable as men's ability to leave dishes before work. Isn't that just the worst?

Blistful should be blissful, ignorence should be ignorance. Other than that, I really liked this! Power or pain. Excellent question. Kudos.