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JamDive's profile
AGE:
38
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 23
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 23
Hey You, this is Me, broadcasting live from the somewhat contradictory world we all live in. I enjoy writing, and hope you’ll take a moment to share your thoughts on my paltry contributions to the site. Godspeed, fair traveller! Godspeed, wherever you are bound.
Matt
Items
Version 1
18 Reviews
14 Comments
A man who sang lecherous ditties In countrysides, towns and in cities, Was overheard to remark To some girls in the park, "Please give me a flash of your bus schedule."
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
17 Reviews
20 Comments
The sign proclaimed 'Dewey's Dogs 'N' Dee-lites!' to a largely deserted thoroughfare. It was very late in the season, and such tourists as remained seemed tob have sought shelter indoors from the baking intensity of the late summer sun. That same sun shone off the metal walls of the diner, blinding those unwary or audacious enough to focus their eyes directly upon the metallic cocoon. The previously mentioned sign, a simple blue field with faded gold letters, offered relief from the glare in...
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I must be honest, you have a lot of work ahead if you want to publish this. The events you describe here don't work well because you have not developed your characters sufficiently. The reader does not really care about Bobby and Sara because you have told us nothing about them. Perhaps you could start this story by showing Sara at work and interacting with co-workers, or something similar? That way we'd see what kind of person she is, and we would start to like her.Then, when her troubles co...
You have a very strong talnt for pacing. Yout story flows very well. You obviously know a great deal about tornadoes and their devestating affects. I found myself swept up in your descriptions of the storm (haha! I'm a regular Court Jester!), and some aspects of Jared (e.g. his feigning fearlessness) are quite Human, which makes for some rock solid characters. It's a great beginning! But I think you could make it a little better if you focused on showing us the story, rather than telling us....
Bravo! This is tremendous! In my opinion this should be submitted for publication as is, no editing necessary. Forgive the brevity of the review,but I can't see any way to improve on what you've done here.
It expresses your outrage over our national sins very well. There's a few problem areas, such as: My sunshine patriot has sadly run away The thunder rolls in and rain dampens my day Sunshine patriots are the ones who sneak home when things get rough. That is, they run away. You may want to slightly re-word that. "In the presence of company I fake a smile Trying to be coy, hold back tears for a while" Coy usually has a flirtatious conotation, considera substiturte word. "My soldiers lay manica...
Another filthy little anthem! Am I correct in assuming you also gave us 'Jerking Motions'? I like this one as well, though again there are a few mis-steps which, once edited, will leave another fine addition to the pliant body of lesbian poetry. Wet and moist unlike anything that, I’ve ever tasted before, I'd eliminate the comma after 'that' As my mouth goes to derive you, Of your silken creamy skies, This doesn't quite work, advise editing. Are you saying you derive this feeling from your lo...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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