JamDive's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
Hey You, this is Me, broadcasting live from the somewhat contradictory world we all live in. I enjoy writing, and hope you’ll take a moment to share your thoughts on my paltry contributions to the site. Godspeed, fair traveller! Godspeed, wherever you are bound.
Matt
Items
Version 1
32 Reviews
18 Comments
A man who sang lecherous ditties In countrysides, towns and in cities, Was overheard to remark To some girls in the park, "Please give me a flash of your bus schedule."
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
19 Reviews
25 Comments
The sign proclaimed 'Dewey's Dogs 'N' Dee-lites!' to a largely deserted thoroughfare. It was very late in the season, and such tourists as remained seemed tob have sought shelter indoors from the baking intensity of the late summer sun. That same sun shone off the metal walls of the diner, blinding those unwary or audacious enough to focus their eyes directly upon the metallic cocoon. The previously mentioned sign, a simple blue field with faded gold letters, offered relief from the glare in...
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Reviews
This is a beautiful story. You convey the anguish and misplaced anger of the boy very effectively. I was impressed with your ability to demonstrate Billy's imagination at work: Billy found a stick, a staff, a sword, a spear, a scepter, a very good stick. He found stones and pieces of wood of never before seen shapes and colors, potentially valuable artifacts. Billy's mother is not fleshed out, but that does not detract from the story overall, keeping the focus on Billy and his father. Ed is a...
This is a good start, but it could be improved by tightening up the prose a bit. I recommend you cut some of the longer sentences into smaller, shorter ones. For example-- and some of them...to cause GREAT destruction and despair to many. might sound better as "...and some of them threaten to bring the Empire itself to its knees", or something a little more specific than 'many'. 'War' and 'fight' are a bit redundant in the first line, maybe 'War has broken out for control of the Synther spave...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
This is an excellent beginning! I especially like the way you plunge directly into the story with the short opening line. You also do an impressive job of building a forboding atmosphere with extremely fittng imagery. A very solid start. Should be interesting to see where this will go. Good luck!
Your pacing is a bit off. The people who rescue Aodhan from his attackers are not at all developed. Instead you transition to Kristean and her wolf pup. while the mysterious Rescuers are never mentioned again. You may be missing a chance to carry things forward by showing the reader more about these shadowy individuals. I suggest you might try re-reading the story looking for spots where you could develop some of your ideas more fully. Dialgue is a great way to move the story forward while y...
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