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JamesPatrick's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Porter Ranch, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
LOC: Porter Ranch, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 09
My name is James Patrick Lyons. I write plays, screenplays, essays and short stories. I’m a literary student, and I pay particular attention to various forms of criticism and thematic elements.
In short, I can’t write, but I know what I like to read.
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Version 1
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0 Comments
"Damn this horrendous plague of gloom! Everywhere it strikes with bestial swiftness and fury. Where-after its wounds lay in festering malignancy until I can bear no more, and am left with little option but crude surgery of the flesh. but still, always it remains at my back and thus driving me forwards to miserable end. I have no recourse but isolation in both drink and social refusals. ...
Version 1
3 Reviews
4 Comments
It was dark-- 3:30 on urban streets wet with urine-- 7th especially, as it lays suffocated by vacant ruins. I saw him walking towards me-- a question slurred in Spanish, then he sucked his dirty thumb and through my pants, grabbed my penis. I laughed it off and rushed to 7-11 (the only lit neon in the sky), but I was terrified and cry about it sometimes. Later that night I saw him ,on Broadway, splattering his puke into the gutter.
Version 1
20 Reviews
14 Comments
On August 15, 1924, Elizabeth Ashbrook, sitting on the parlor windowsill, watched a well dressed postal courier park his bike at the family's expansive estate's gate and remove a brown paper parcel. Elizabeth saw that he was young, perhaps a few years older than her, 24 she would decide later. His face would be pink with excursion, she imagined, his teeth white and a bit uneven--though not enough to make him unattractive-- and his hair would be brown like her brother's, though not so juvenil...
Version 2
8 Reviews
14 Comments
I never told a lie, and my teeth were always on the fly. With eight years in office, I left with only oatmeal and denture supplies.
Version 1
7 Reviews
7 Comments
From Dublin to Zurich, quickly now, Paris! Barbarism follows and lights the world on fire.
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Reviews
The story was written well if not for the overuse of background inserted unrealistically into the story. Far too often did you insert back story in a manner that seemed...artificial an inorganic. I think the overall story is fun and exiting - corruption and mystery in a space setting. I think you would do well to start earlier in the story and spend more time setting events up in a manner that presents the information as it comes in.
"Air conditioned less" read awkwardly to me. I loved your use of narration to depict the child. And my heart jumped to my throat when the protagonist realizes a stranger has her hand. I liked the conclusion and dialog,but I was a bit unclear on who the stranger was and what happened to her. Thanks for the fun read! James.
I liked the directness of the poem. You said you wrote it in the sixth grade and I can see a bit of the childhood honesty. The second line of the second stanza reads off to me. best j.
I like the imagery of "opened my throat" but it seems out of place in the poem--violent and outside the nature themes of the story piece. That's my only real criticism. Besides the notation that repetition of "you" sounded a bit sophomoric--but that's more of an opinion thing.
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