JazzMomma's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Gresham, OR
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 26
LOC: Gresham, OR
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 26
I’m attempting my first novel. Most of my writing has been essay, blogging, or poetry – I’m about twelve years out of practice in creative prose.
I’m hoping to create quality work to begin with, which is why I’m here. Also, I hope to develop my literary critical thinking skills by giving quality reviews.
I prefer getting reviews that includes specifics, honest criticism where I need improvement vs. simply opinions or ego stroking. Encouragement is good, of course, but my improvement matters more.
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
4 Comments
Entering the room, Sam kept his head down to avoid making eye contact with Clifton. The hair at the nape of his neck pricked with the knowledge of Clifton's steady gaze watching him come into the room. He watched Clifton's Adidas twitch together under his seat. Sam stopped for a moment and surveyed the rest of the room, as if for the first time. He'd never had to think about it before. The corner front row seat had been his from day one, and he knew switching seats, even this early in the yea...
Version 1
4 Reviews
8 Comments
Three hours later, Miss Cass stood at the piano pounding rising and descending scales from the keys, bobbing her red curls toward the room to encourage her class to sing out with the same force and confidence. "Mama Mia, Mama, Mia Maaaaa," the chorus of 60 boys swelled. Everyone who was anyone joined choir at River High School, and Men's or Women's Chorus were the only options available to Freshman. "Sing it strong! Prove to me that there are MEN in this room," she shouted above the voices. T...
Version 2
7 Reviews
3 Comments
Clifton Hendrickson is thirty years old today, and considers himself a virgin. But it's not what you think. He even had a wife and two kids. So, he's had enough sex to create offspring, and most people would say that disqualifies him from virginity. But I'd venture that virginity is about more than sex. And in that context, yes, Clifton could be considered a virgin. I could argue this all day, but I'd rather start from the beginning... the day Clifton met Sam. He should have seen this coming...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
I looked down and read the tab as I prepared the tea bag for it's hot bath. "What you're doing now is the most beautiful thing." Did they mean to say making tea was the most beautiful thing? Gotta love marketing. Did they purposefully put it at the end of a Lemon Ginger bag... When I'd only grab that pungent flavor for the ease it gives the nausea. Did they see me, hobbling upstairs in my husband's fleece robe, forcing myself to eat, Risking another episode of holding my bangs back from integ...
Version 1
7 Reviews
7 Comments
Sam was reading line after line from their assigned scene, but Clifton wasn't listening. With Sam standing there, the pages of the script were as meaningless to him as Aztec inscriptions. He had to interrupt, "Sorry, I can't do this right now. I mean, I care about the scene. I do want to practice, I swear, but I gotta get this off my mind or we'll never get anywhere. Can we stop and just talk for a minute?" Sam looked up from the pages, and eyes the clock. "Sure, okay. But I don't have all ni...
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Reviews
I always love humming in a song. With the humming, and the joyful imagery (humming, flying, dreaming) words like "my troubled mind" seem out of place. "Everybody wants to be...(through)...that is everything." These lines feel cliche. Are they the point of the song? It seems there are too many possible points of the song, and it lacks focus. The first three stanzas starting with "If I..." are the only cohesive pattern I can find. I would like to read another draft with more focus and a clear p...
The overall story is fun, and I love the slobber on the knee and sock in the tooth. For a poem, and especially one for children which WILL be read out loud, there are several lines that don't really flow. i.e. line 4 is wordy. Did you try "I'm sure he tries" or start with "he tries ..." etc. Line 6, period not comma.
I think the ending - the mother focusing on the death of the spiders with more import than the death of her son - is powerful! The beginning sentence has a great hook, too. I think overall, this story could use more substance. You're doing great painting a vivid picture for us, so why not do more? Waking to an alarm clock is honestly a cliche that makes most readers/publishers automatically think "boring" and stop reading. I may suggest a different focus when she first wakes up, and perhaps a...
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