The repetition of taste in paragraph five, sentence four is a little awkward. If you were to use an alternative i.e. was already aware of the taste, then that might flow better, at least from my point of view. Other, than that excellent writing.

It's a nice idea, if not the most original. The writing's to a reasonable standard but I feel you revealed too much of the story too easily, the reader doesn't have a chance to allow their imagination to run away with them. Bill's character is a bit jarring in that he's a layabout who suddenly becomes the font of all knowledge. I felt he was being used in this way as a tool for you to explain things you felt that the reader should know. I also didn't get the sense of panic I would have expect...

I think it's fine to leave it as wished. It feels more right than did would feel in it's place. I thought it was going to moon spoon june poetry on the title so it was a pleasant surprise that it was much more accomplished, a little too accomplished perhaps for a character that you say isn't supposed to be.

Ok, I can't help it but I keep going back to this sentence "You don’t have to lie to me to be my friend," and adding "but it helps," to the end which goes right against what you're saying. The people you talk about, if you feel so strongly, it begs the question how did they become friends in the first place?# Good rant though

"I fumble out of bed" - because you've used "out of bed" in the previous sentence, I'd suggest using another description for bed to avoid repetition. " inuendos" - correct spelling is innuendos " My jokes are not their jokes" - I would suggest reversing this i.e. Their jokes are not my jokes for the same reason we should use "my friend and I" rather than "me and my friend". I remember something about it being polite english to put yourself last and it feels slightly more elegant language (at ...

Interesting. Have a few points that I think may help strengthen the writing. I think the structure of some of your sentences is backwards Eg. "arrived at every period late that day." should read "arrived late for every period that day." The way you have written it causes ambiguity in the meaning. Did she arrive late or was it late in the day? "which caused everyone" - "causing everyone" is a more efficient and appropriate use of the tenses. Why use two words where one will do. "it was the roo...

Is this a serious piece or a mickey take? either way I like it. THere's a deep philosophy being expounded. I see the Ham sandwich as a metaphor for sex. Putting a pig in your mouth is a sin in the eyes of his blessed self in every sense of the word. The imagery of the big gay deer works for me too although it may be a little strong for the five to nine year olds.The brevity of the chapter works well. You get your point across with clarity and economy of prose. The one criticism is the repetit...

This is one of those pieces of writing where the content and premise of the story is quite good but the writing and the way it's put together need a lot of work. The first paragraph is indicative of problems that run through the piece. It started with a high-pitched whistle. It was coming from my Apple II computer, which normally didn’t make any noise at all. I knew something was wrong, but before I could switch it off the sound got louder until it stopped with a pop and a fizzle. When I ope...

Most are muddled. Some are lost. And yet some people ask how much they cost. Feels like you've just used cost because it rhymes with lost instead of searching for a more appropriate sentence. The rhythm makes it an unsmooth journey as there seems to be no common tempo for the lines as you go through the piece. Still you get the feeling across so not too bad overall.

This doesn't really say anything about the creative life for me and doesn't fit into the memoir category. It's just a mildly amusing joke using a six word format.