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Jeffe's profile
AGE:
43
LOC: Riverside, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 10
LOC: Riverside, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 10
I will only review poetry.
Jeff Green is a poet, editor and publisher from Riverside California. He is an editor of Epicenter: A Literary Magazine (www.epicentermagazine.org) and Left Behind: A Journal of “Shock” Literature (www.myleftbehind.com). He is also a partner in Petroglyph Books (www.petroglyphbooks.com) For his complete life story read The Autobiography of Henry E. Huntington. By ignoring most of the homoeroticism, dividing all monetary values and travel distances by one thousand and replacing all references to great works of art and literature with promotional posters of ‘80s new wave bands you’ll get a good picture of him.
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Version 2
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Monday comes, same as always. The day after the other one elevated by missionaries’ promises of permanence. After a baptism at silent spring the attention to my actions drops away today, while I deal in concrete. A man’s gotta eat, and I am a man who eats meat. Once in Alaska my cousin chipped a woolly mammoth out of a thawing glacier, cut it up with a chain-saw and shipped me a fifteen pound block of rump roast. Man, it was tasty. We’d cut strips and marinade them in molasses, sea salt, and ...
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Version 1
18 Reviews
0 Comments
Monday comes, same as always. The day after the other one elevated by missionaries’ promises of permanence. After a baptism at silent spring the attention to my actions drops away today, while I deal in concrete. A man’s gotta eat, and I am a man who eats meat. Once in Alaska my cousin chipped a woolly mammoth out of a thawing glacier, cut it up with a chain-saw and shipped me a fifteen pound block of rump roast. Man, it was tasty. We’d cut strips and marinade them in molasses, sea salt, and ...
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I like the slant rhyme throughout. I would like the signature "Mr. Johny Mean-man" and "Random House Publishing Co." to also slant rhyme. Perhaps "Johny Mean-Doe" and change the name of the narrator.
The only thing I would change is to drop the 1st line. I think the title does the work there. When I read the title I was thinking of Humphrey Bogart and Loran Bacall. "And let’s not forget the stern pout of my lip," works very well. It shows the narrator as conscious of their manipulation. p.s. I think we have dated.
I think this could be strengthened if you did it without the repetition. The words "Me," "My" and "I" are overused. I would also like either the 1st or last line to go. If you prefer the repetition, why not try it as a vilinelle?
I would like fresher language and a more recognizable structure. Because it rhymes I think that a form like a sonnet or sestina would set up a meter that will make the rhyme more expected. The lines going until the rhyming word gives the rhyme a sense of being forced.
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