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LAST LOGIN: November 05
LAST LOGIN: November 05
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Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
I never saw the mountains, But I've overcome a few I never stepped into the ocean, But with you, drowning was all I knew Deeper than these oceans- Down into my soul, Where is my silver glow? Maybe it's at a peak, Or lost within the deep Sea of emotions- I'll never know.
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Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
A mile in a minute, A nail in my back. Turn away from that cloud. Message in a bottle, Smuggled by fog. Heart in a can- Love uneventful. Faith irreversible, Everlasting emptiness.
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Version 1
19 Reviews
1 Comment
Pulsating. Desire. I wanted-- It passed. Missed a moment, Chance evaded me. Time, a hoax. Future promises- Fade back to me. Let me wrap my legs around Your lies And swallow the concoction Of passion and deceit.
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I liked it until the last line. It doesn't really flow. How about "I'm certainly sure he's not witty?" Just an idea.
I think the middle part of this piece flows better than the beginning. When you mentioned the prophecy in the first paragraph, I think that it should have more than one sentence to explain what it is and why it is important. If the prophecy is a premise for what you're talking about in the rest of the chapter, then it should be elaborated on. It will provide something that the reader can hold on to and be able to relate to the characters with.
I think you would do well with throwing a few more descriptive words to explain things rather than being straightforward. For example, explain how Sissy's pony tail looks rather than just saying that she wears pony tails.
I think if you took off the listing factor, it would sound more like a poem. After you do that, you could make the last line "It's the little things that count"
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