"upon" tyr 'on'. "just hoping it would just slip away" try 'hoping it would just slip away'. L3 & L4 - try changing one the "returns" Watch your rythym in spots. This one is a bit awkward. Ex: "no longer wanting to wait to get food on their tray." You have a good idea here and a nice start to your poem. Don't focus so much on the rhyming that you overlook the flow of the verses. I would like to see a rewrite of this. A very nice effort. Keep it up.

Perhaps you should try this as prose. While it is slightly better than V1, you hae traded some problems for new ones. "weariness that 'just' drains 'just' hoping it would 'just' slip away" "Having so much trouble with 'wanting' a drink 'just' 'wanting'to have" Not clear, awkward: "to have a life of their own longer having to share." Stilted: "get a chance to start a whole new life something like that would ever be gracious" Again, you have a good topic and I can see the strong underlying them...

Challenging topic. This could use some examples of the pain. How is it manifested. "I feel it in my chest and my soul, ..." What do you feel? Perhaps, 'I ache' or 'every fiber in my chest constricts' or 'it feels as though cement blocks are stacked'. As it is now, it is very redundant, repetetive. Some pretty good phrases: "silent tears" "my true RAW feelings" "Silent Pain." An opportunity here for you to turn this into a very good work.

Quite nice, but depressing. In some way, this almost reads as a comment on religion. Gone through it several times and not exactly sure what is leading me to that sense, but there it is, none the less. This is a brooding work, heavy, cynical. My only reservatioon here is the Damocles reference. Almost takes the edginess off of the darkness you have painstakingly built. While the threat of the sword may fit the tenor of this, the message in the Sword of Damocles's detracts from the mood. Just ...

Well I wish I could write this well on the spur of the moment. L8,9 are a bit awkward in their flow. The varying line lengths make the rhyming difficult.

Excellent. I simply do not have anything to suggest that would improve this. A sad realistic portrayal of an oft repeated scenario in our "non-commmittal" world. My favorite lines"You loved the hole in me but not the whole of me." This reminds me of business men who maintain a pseudo relationship in the cities that they travel two. Loving without love. This will go into my favorite stack. I am very, very stingy with my tens but this: 10/10.

What a wonderful happy/sad remembrance. The insertion of the quotations is a very nice touch. I would have thought that it would break up the cadence but instead the quotes served to reset the rhythm so that each section began anew with a fresh feeling. This left me wanting to hear more of how you were raised. Thank you for sharing.

Only one major weakness to this. Because you are posting under journalism it is important, otherwise I wouldn't eve raise the issue. Aside from these all being your opinion, what research or sources substantiate that these are truly what you purport them to be. Asided from #10 there is nothing other than your statements to support your claims. Of course, you could call this an editorial and no supporting evidence would be required. You started out slowly with the first two points and then the...

I like it though credibility is stretched pretty thinly in the ending. I gather that Joey met an alien and we are to surmise that from the flying saucer written into the ending. A bit of a stretch, but obviously not too much of one since I got it. LOL Love the dialogue with Rita and Cork as well as the two break dancing cops. Putting this all down to farce and it has merit, is well written and witty. If one tries to follow any kind of logical trail however, it comes apart. That to say, if pub...

The first thing you need to work on is sentence structure. Some are rambling, with incorrect capitalization, poor grammar, misspellings and others simply don't make any sense. These two sentences are good examples. I have put an asterik next to the error: The United State Government does a good job protecting the nation but, when *us *american travel between states and internationally you may be nearly strip searched but some *illigall *allians seem immune to capture *(does not make sense). I...