AGE:
24
LOC: Chicago, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 12
LOC: Chicago, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 12
Trying to get all this stuff in my head on paper…
Stepping, head high, into something I can’t explain in words.
Items
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End of An Age A wave stretches tall in the darkness of the tolling sea. Careening, the stealth giant collides with the black night. Lonesome in the open, empty vastness, a sad ship cries. A veil of indiscriminate mist twists past its stoic mast. The deck, desolate and wrecked, glazed in a salty sweat, seethes with a moan as its frame gets twisted and thrown. Intoxicated with the sobering sea, a captain’s wrists bleed. Steel shackles slither beneath his heroically helpless feet as a ...
Version 1
1 Review
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End of An Age The waves stretch tall in the darkness of the tolling sea. To and fro, the stealth giants swing into the black night. Lonesome in the emptiness of vastness, a sad ship cries. Veils of indiscriminate mist twist past its empty mast. The decks, desolate and wrecked, glazed in a salty sweat, creek with a moan as its frame gets twisted and thrown. All alone, drunk with the sea, a captain’s wrists bleed. Steel shackles slither beneath his heroically helpless feet as a posses...
Version 1
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Pallets of Palettes Living through broken borders, stirred in a muddled rut, framed in a seething sovereignty, the dissident dares to color. Auspicious contenders aspire to death, where contentious ambience transfixes transcendence with a dupable glare. Although, the rules are very clear. To paint, is to be fair to what could be there, feeling empathy for an empty, white stare. Individuate what can articulate what is austere, because hue’s, abused, feel blue in the brown.
Version 1
6 Reviews
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Misogynistic Suicide Ragged, jagged cliffs of copulation, stain brazen stretches of isolation. Lucid loneliness supports salvation, while expectations crash in separation. Oh, but true beauty bemuses seclusion with fiery shores of illogical inclusion; with sophisticated illusions that frame the brain and convince it of its obtrusion. The placated plasticity of ardent advocacies cools in the winds of altruistic tendencies, for my love of you has eradicated realities- bending all actuality into...
Version 1
6 Reviews
2 Comments
Meager Memories Blue Ocean eyes can twist into red raging seas, While wide smiles can stretch into long lonely roads. Rosy cheeks, a hue for the meek, wilt in the heavy cold of the in-between. A lively dance is kindly asked of a fantastic fading past, but when each future comes to pass it’s solid steps fall into its trap. Faulty fragments, times entrapment, clumsily waltz away into a foggy haze. Dark distant eyes can blacken into open empty space, While wicked frowns can drown in...
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Reviews
With all those warnings and directions I moved on, carefully, to your piece. I was delighted. I had to take off my headphones and give my attention to developing an abstract mental painting that only words could create, not everything has a color. "Just give me the Truth, just lay it out." I felt. My only fuss was with the way you chose to wrap this up. You were moving so strongly in your first four stanzas, then in the fifth I felt as if you were surrendering to what you had already written....
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
First off, there's punctuation all over this. Quotations marks just chillen' randomly, Colons chopping vigorously, and comma for some spice. It adds quite an effect, but if that's not what you're going for here, you might want to clean it up. This also goes for your presentation. From the aesthetic to the subject matter your piece lacks craftsmanship. You might want to consider giving this piece some sort of structure. Even if you keep the same material, a form could improve its delivery. Loo...
My hearts left, well, your right. Can't argue with the truth of the matter. Although, the quote isn't very striking. It's recycled. Play with the idea.
The only constructive thing i have to say from here is, lay off the forced rhymes. It may be personal preference, but they begin to become predictable and quite annoying. There are lots of ways to rhyme pieces, if that's what you're into, to pull the reader in. You can use assonance and dissonance, among various other techniques, to create a similar phonetic sound to a straight end rhyme. Although, since this appears to be your friends poetry, according to the title, I'm not sure if the advic...
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