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John_L's profile
AGE:
41
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 02
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 02
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Version 1
5 Reviews
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"I should kick your ass!" My life threatened by reality, I had no choice but to have an existential crisis. Is it me or the world? Am I the luckiest or the unluckiest person in the universe? I know I'm crazy – does he know he's crazy? Good lord, he's a walking stereotype, but so am I – the White Punk and the Angry Black Man, playing out the eternal conflict between the I and the Other, repeating a tired pattern of male aggression, braving the undertow of an instinctual fear of the unfamiliar,...
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Version 1
18 Reviews
0 Comments
“It’s fine, Louie.” The timbre of her voice – an urgent chant – indicated the exact opposite. Even on the phone, I could tell Mother was furious, and I didn't blame her. Though I had paid for the damage myself this time, she knew the money came indirectly from her. What other source of income did I have in those days? It was 1995, and the entire nation lay paralyzed in the soothing clutches of deferential victimhood. After decades of imagining themselves uniquely privileged, Americans awoke f...
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This is mostly quite lovely language, but there are a few clunkers that detract from the general beauty. I'm really going to nitpick because I think a few tweaks will make this an excellent passage: --Don't need "I think" in the first sentence. --Each "which" should be a "that." --"Lined to either side" is awkward. --Not sure what "double-crunch" means. If you mean white + cobblestone, "his feet" should be placed after "cobblestone." --"Enveloped" is more lyrical than "enwrapped. --Should be ...
Great pace and feel. I'm really getting to know these characters. I will register my usual complaint that this could use more physical description of characters and scene. Also, I recall that bisto didn't used to like his nickname but now he seems to embrace it. I'd like to know what got him to accept it.
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Very clever. A fun little tale. Your style is very consistent and rings true. I only have one piece of criticism. Your use of quotations marks is often unecessary and comes off as cutesy to me. Examples would be "once over" and "circus."
Excellent work. I'm a baseball junkie, and this feels very real. But you asked for criticism, so here goes: --The paragraph describing why any ball Joshua would catch would have to be a home run is the one section where clarity is lacking. After reading it, I'm still not sure why. The sense of physical place needs clarification (i.e., where are they?). --Since this is an early chapter, I'd like more physical description of the characters. You do a wonderful job describing the setting, but onl...
This has some promise, but it needs a lot of work. First off, it needs a great deal of copy editing. The main stylistic problem is the shift in perspective from Emily to Margie. From that point on, it becomes difficult to tell who the subject of each sentence is. I figured it out eventually, but I had to backtrack to figure out that Margie was "the woman" referred to in the second and third paragraphs. At first, I thought it was Emily. So take care to help the reader understand who the actor ...
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