'feeling fortunate the[that] Diane lived just a few streets away.' 'She was fat and fifteen (today),' = very nice, lovely subtle touch. Nazarene? - I don't recall if any background was touched upon in earlier chapters, but maybe for the lazy reader touch upon some of the rule/rituals. I did google but only after 11 Chapters did I do so to get some sense of her fear & horror. PG11: I may not matter, but for some reason it bothered me that Brandon was gone and it had not been alluded to earlier...

Pg2: Lord? ::why the question marks? Is it to denote inflection? Just found it to be a trifling oddity in a prayer of supplication. Pg3: Nice phallic double entendre at play with the mic ::Ah ha, and glad to see the slip wasn't missed by Cathy. Pg4: Great backstory on Cathy and epitomizes well the simmering jealousy in brief detail. Pg5: Uhm? Okay...with the type of pet (tootles/doodles)name relationship going on here I find it highly unrealistic that a married couple, with one partner away o...

Pg10: I have said for a while when was Rod/Rob going to express some guilt, remorse, doubt, regret for his actions and this is a nice segue however...but hadn't they done it 'in hiding' before? Most of their liasons had been clandestine of sorts. Pg12: 'No wonder he don't see nothing in you' is she referring to Rob/Rod here? If so it implies a 'crush' and yet we know that she knows Rob/Rod is gay...I do know that girls will have crushes on their gay friends (this one certainly has) but Diane ...

“Let us rejoice and be glad!” [in it] - at least that is how I recall hearing it. Just an aside. 'first preview' - could probably drop the _first_, sounds redundant. Pg2: The desultory chaos of the procession is hilarious in its narrative simplicity. "bringing up the rear" - twice in two pages, one cannot miss the implied double entendre. Well done... triangle/stars - something about the singular/plural aspect of this similie bothered me. 'sang his verse:' - is it essential to be so specific ...

There are many elements that work beautifully in this poem. The lines are brief and emphatic so that the reader is not given too much to chew upon but just enough to vet out the visuals being rendered. Here are some turns of phrase I enjoyed: V1: Through fractured blinds Night etches out precious light Languish beneath ragged covers Seeking the sights and Sounds of strangers V2: Wistful eyes peeping Through a little crack A glimpse through barren trees V3: A clock with no hands to measure Dar...

I like the use of the repeating refrain which serves to bring the reader back to a vantage point above the action of the glacier. However, if one is going to repeat phrases make sure they are stellar sounding and original. "glide by...turning, dipping & watching" are all a bit pedantic and common so they don't add the poetic oomph needed in repetitive lines hinging verses together. tipping wings, spying, wheeling are some suggestions. The other observation is that each verse sounds a bit like...

I am new to the story as I whole but find the plot, as outlined, interesting. Cop stories can be a bit cliche but you have woven in some different twists: pregnant deputy, the skinning of victims for pizza toppings and very, very small town (I am assuming) Americana. The movement between dialogue and narrative is nicely executed and maintains a nice pace throughout the four pages in this chapter. In a few places inconsistent verb tenses and phrasing were a bit distracting: "Because you're all...

It had me up until the forth and fifth lines, then it limps along on cliched legs. How many times has one heard reference to lines like 'sunset of forever?' Lines 3 & 4 - there is a rock/paper/scissors feeling here!!! Both are full of imagery (effective). Thirsty lion's den has more play/weight to it, but 'pit of snakes' papers over that heavy rock imagery in the line before. With that said, I am not sure What? the poem is trying to say so it is effective visually but like some music videos l...

Voluptuous word play with effective richness. Didn't matter to me IF I 'got' it because I liked how it all rolled off the tongue. I don't feel a strict metrical or rhyme scheme although the pattern is there so it is very effective lyrically - languorous which feels to conflict a bit with the deluge & disorder in the next verse. And maybe that is the theme? Calm outward appearances but roiled within. loved: "spectral brume" "riven masts, the plumes, the churned abyss" They style is typically r...

Not sure I understand the use of repetition in this one. It becomes vexing and redundant to hear the monontonous phrase "This started in..." I didn't mind the varying meter but the rhyme pattern makes the poem difficult to read. The brain seeks some type of structure, even informally. This appears to lack any and yet has enough end rhyme to seek a pattern. There are a lot of rudimentary word choices that make this feel like just another cliched 'love poem.' Rain/Pain, wish/bliss, cherished mo...