Carolina Beaumont was conceived in the back seat of a Volvo in 1976. When Sylvia Beaumont told Dwayne, her loyal boyfriend of 6 months, what had occurred, he skipped town so fast and so completely that his own mother didn’t hear from him for almost two years and when she did he had changed his name to Carlos. Sylvia was swayed very little by anything, and when “Carlos” skipped town she simply moved out of her dorm, back into her mom and dad’s house and took to wearing shirts that would leave ...
Beatrice Bigglesbee scrunched up her nose, And said, “This broccoli smells like dad’s toes. This meatloaf is dry, there’s no jam for my bread.” And whined and complained ‘til mom sent her to bed. Beatrice was shocked! How dare they get mad? It wasn’t her fault that it tasted so bad! ‘Making me starve to death doesn’t seem fair!’ She thought as she carefully brushed out her hair. Then Mom came up first, and was followed by Dad, She got bedtime kisses as she always had. And goodnight hugs too, ...
Beatrice Bigglesbee scrunched up her nose, And said, “This broccoli smells like dad’s toes. This meatloaf is dry, there’s no jam for my bread.” And whined and complained ‘til mom sent her to bed. Beatrice was shocked! How dare they get mad? It wasn’t her fault it tasted so bad! ‘Making me starve to death doesn’t seem fair!’ She thought as she carefully brushed out her hair. Then Mom came up first, and was followed by Dad, She got bedtime kisses as she always had. And goodnight hugs too, but ...
The line of her body was soft and fluid across the bed. My eyes caressed the curve of her waist, and neck and gently poured over her legs as they stretched and stretched over the sheets. The half moon silhouette of her breasts drooped ever so slightly toward the bed into lovely smiles that seemed sweet and young. The memory of my mouth closed over her nipple flitted ever so quickly across my mind and for a moment awakened a desire to take her again. Her dark hair hung across the pillow, in s...
Your opening is strong and clean. Your second paragraph leaves a lot to be desired. The first line isn't a good opening, it feels like there was something leading into it that was removed. Consider something like "With the tremendous failure of alcohol prohibition in the 1930's..." The "feeling of failure" line, as well as much of this paragraph, sounds too biased for journalism, but I suppose it depends on where its being published. Its very opinion based. If you want to put this across as f...
I have to say that while this is a good poem in its own right, I am 28 and I barely grasped the subject. There is no way a child is going to be able to be drawn into this, probably wouldn't sit still for it. I suggest either publishing it for a more adult audience or seriously dumbing it down and creating more vivid imagery.
At this length it would only be able to be a board book, and words like "gratuitous" and "forlorn" are going to go right over the head of a child young enough to be reading a board book. Even as a part of a compilation of poetry for children this would be a stretch. Perhaps you're thinking young adult? It might be a bit abstract for even that crowd. You may need to simplify this a bit in its language. As a poem for adults this might work, reconsider your audience.
As a whole, I think it would be a hard story to place in an appropriate age group. There story is well written, but the subject matter is very sophisticated for a children's book. Some places that stuck me a bit: "streamlined" may not have been a good fit word wise. It doesn't flow well with your style. The "grow like a flower" part didn't seem to really work as an analogy like the others did. He goes to have the clouds teach him to fly, the wind says he won't be able to, and then he flies an...
I think this is very powerful and well written piece. I don't think that the writing style effects it negatively at all, I think if anything the piece benefited from it.