You need to do more research on things you haven't actually experienced. The unrealistic happenings of the story take you out of it. A kid wouldn't just slip through the cracks like that. You should emphasize more the desperation involved in becoming a prostitute, and the angst and self-hate that would be involved.

lovely imagery of a soft, perhaps privileged woman taking to arms. i really like it

I learned young that gelatin rhymed with skeleton for a reason, hehe. funny piece, very reminiscent of George Carlin's "why is it" routines. good work.

you make a bold statement, with an obvious tone of rebellion, but in the end its an empty insult at no one in particular.

aw, the things we write in high school. many of mine i should seriously consider burying.

I think this is very powerful and well written piece. I don't think that the writing style effects it negatively at all, I think if anything the piece benefited from it.

As a whole, I think it would be a hard story to place in an appropriate age group. There story is well written, but the subject matter is very sophisticated for a children's book. Some places that stuck me a bit: "streamlined" may not have been a good fit word wise. It doesn't flow well with your style. The "grow like a flower" part didn't seem to really work as an analogy like the others did. He goes to have the clouds teach him to fly, the wind says he won't be able to, and then he flies an...

At this length it would only be able to be a board book, and words like "gratuitous" and "forlorn" are going to go right over the head of a child young enough to be reading a board book. Even as a part of a compilation of poetry for children this would be a stretch. Perhaps you're thinking young adult? It might be a bit abstract for even that crowd. You may need to simplify this a bit in its language. As a poem for adults this might work, reconsider your audience.

I have to say that while this is a good poem in its own right, I am 28 and I barely grasped the subject. There is no way a child is going to be able to be drawn into this, probably wouldn't sit still for it. I suggest either publishing it for a more adult audience or seriously dumbing it down and creating more vivid imagery.

Your opening is strong and clean. Your second paragraph leaves a lot to be desired. The first line isn't a good opening, it feels like there was something leading into it that was removed. Consider something like "With the tremendous failure of alcohol prohibition in the 1930's..." The "feeling of failure" line, as well as much of this paragraph, sounds too biased for journalism, but I suppose it depends on where its being published. Its very opinion based. If you want to put this across as f...