Kaabii203's profile
AGE:
13
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 23
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 23
Well, I’ve been writing ever since i was 8 years old. So yeah, you could say I’ve been writing a long time. It’s come a long way, and yet it still needs a bit of tweaking =/.
I write fantasy. And some realistic fiction. And maybe horror. But I can only come up with horror stories. I can’t actually, you know, put it down on paper, but…
In 5th grade, i made four stories based off of me and my friends characters on Runescape. Ever since January I’ve been restoring these books, changing the player names to ACTUAL names, making the books longer and having more depth. Basically, The Great Tale of Runescape twisted into The Great Tale of Aslendalion (I haven’t worked out the name yet). Crystalbloo2 turned to Crystalia, Grumpybear97 transfor…
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Version 1
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Hello, Mr. Kirshbaum, I am writing to inquire if you would be interested in my book, Burns. I'm thirteen and have been writing since the third grade (just some background info). Here is a description of my book: On a cold November night, a girl awakes to find herself in an unknown place. Her memory has been wiped clean. She knows nothing about her, except she has a mysterious power to influence the elements. While dealing with her new powers, she must also collected pieces from her pas...
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Version 2
2 Reviews
7 Comments
Chapter 1- The test of a lifetime “Children, take your seats.” barked Mr. Whizard. The anxious people in the room still continued to chatter amongst others. The sun’s beams shone in the classroom, making shadow copies of everyone basking in it. “QUIET!” he shouted. His voice cut through all the talking like a razor sharp blade. It bounced off the white, wood walls of the small classroom. The word “quiet” seemed to float in the air, for no one said a word. In an instant, benches were squeaking...
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I thought this piece was very interesting. I liked the way you ended it. As i was sifting through it, i found some things you should change... On page one, "eating" is misspelled (you said "eatting") "This razor is for you mom for disappointing you and not always being there." you should put commas around "mom". So it would be, "This razor is for you, mom, for disappointing..." It's the same thing with "brother". ("This razor is for you, brother, for....") i don't really understand what the f...
I thought it was a very funny piece. In the beginning, i think the part with the wart removal stuff gets a little bit off topic, however. Other than that, there's not much really to get at here. You're intro and your conclusion were just about perfect and your transitions between paragraphs were great. I think your strong point in this piece is your voice and your word choice. Those are great skills to have while writing. Just make sure you always have your audience captivated, or they'll lea...
Confusing, yet interesting. Like I understand it, but not completely. "The secret style, dorian grey-imported-something-for-nothing ride that you hide..." The second line in here is kind of long and disrupts the flow. Also, I noticed that some of the words rhyme and others do not. Is this a rhyming piece or not? Trying to have the best of both worlds will disrupt the flow of your piece. All in all, I think it's good, it just needs a bit of tweaking :D
Hehehe. That was...interesting? I don't know how to put it-- I'll have to come up with a new word for it O_o If you want to sound more professional in this piece, you might want to consider deleting all or at least some of the swear words. If you want to keep them, that's fine, but if you're ever going to revise this piece don't use any more than you have now, otherwise the piece will being tedious and unappealing. The starting of your piece, I'm not so sure about. Some people might say that ...
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