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Keter's profile
AGE:
47
LOC: Leander, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 17
LOC: Leander, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 17
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Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
2 Comments
Sodden beneath fitful spits of chill autumn rain, the plain bore the stark, colorless grace of desolation: the rain had come much too late for the reedy clumps of drought-dried grasses. Pallid late afternoon light hinted at dark shapes perhaps mountains along the cloud-draped northern horizon, but the mist merged into the featureless flatness to the east and west. Subtle convections of vapor cast shifting shadows through every stony crevice and faceted surface of the plain’s central feature, ...
Version 1
9 Reviews
0 Comments
“Holy Absolute,” she prayed softly, “let this working be my last; accept my sacrifice in payment for my failure. Consume that which once was Drillian, and undo the evil I had not the will to oppose.” Sparks soared upward as the parchment caught fire from the candle flame and blazed; fiber and ink forever transmuted in the holocaust. With a soft exhalation, she sent the last fiery fragments heavenward, her long blonde hair and perfect complexion gilded by the light of her Magick. As the last e...
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Reviews
As a very typical Gemini, this didn't really resonate with me. Children of the Corn, karate, and 'own cane' metaphors in particular were clinkers. It seemed like it was trying to rhyme and not quite making it, and the 'beat' seemed uneven. It's a good theme to continue working with: try to use symmetry in word structures to reflect the dichotomy, evoking the two halves looking at one another.
I'm not really understanding how parts 1 and 2 relate other than 2 is later on in time. I also don't understand who the woman is in the first part...a mother? A girlfriend? From the second part I understand she is a mother. Why is she apparently melancholy? Why is the narrator so sad? You successfully set a sad, lonely mood. Be careful with word use, spelling errors, and typos ('delegate' instead of 'delicate') which detract from readability.
Good character building so far. Be careful not to use possessives ('s) for plurals, and watch your word use ("expectingly" instead of "expectantly"). You might want to do some research on how lawyers speak of cases and actual names of charges. I found the introduction of the parents by their full names to be odd: you might try having a member of staff introduce them by speaking to them; to the child, they would simply be "Father" and "Vanessa." Be aware that if Father likes beauty so much, yo...
I got a very strong sense of racial angst out of this. I felt there was too much self-mutilation metaphor in here: some is good, we all feel that way sometimes when what we are is getting in the way of what we want to be, but too much speaks of self-hatred - how can someone else be expected to respect someone who hates who they are?
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