KimRoach's profile

This is a good opening. It leaves the reader wondering what the relationship between the narrator and Hutchins was and why the narrator had such a reaction to Hutchins death. I do however have a few critiques. The opening line... I don’t know if sexual is the right word there, because the following line describes more of an orgasmic reaction, rather than sexual. I would write it something along the lines of, “Watching Hutchins die was nearly orgasmic.” This gives a clear and concise statement...

I have to say that you show the story well. You have a gift of description that I envy. You build the suspense of what is up with the Misfit and what actually happened. Great job. Below are nit picks and observations I made while reading. I hope you find this helpful. That's a long Yankee game if it's still on after closing time of a bar. The collar of his shirt was flipped upwards ... This is pasive voice. Sometimes passive voice is okay, but you could avoid it here with a little rewording. ...

You set up the character well. Although, the interview almost seems like taking an easy way out of getting the information conveyed. I've been toying with the idea of using the same device for my third book and haven't decided if it is cheesy or not, which is why I bring it up. The end could use some polishing. You do well with building some tension during the story of what is up with the agent and the phone call, but the end section would be better, if you maybe added Orlando having enough o...

I took notes as I read. I hope you find this helpful. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I'm always willing to expand on my critiques. been the one people would’ve to talk to (Your contraction doesn't really work here. nor the wording. I suggest something along the lines. people would talk to.) his suit jacket as microphones were adjusted as were lights and cameras (This is very wordy and passive voice. Passive voice is when the action is done to the noun instead of the noun ...