KittyKat0992's profile
AGE:
15
LOC: Severn, MD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 19
LOC: Severn, MD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 19
I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking when I signed up for this. I guess I enjoy reading other people’s creativity since I don’t have any of my own. My friends also have tried to get me to write because I adore reading and am pretty smart.
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Version 1
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A candle in a cave, A spotlight on the stage, You-sleeping in my shadow. Kneeling in a grove, Standing in the chapel, Me-watching through velvet curtain. So, Ride the small raft forward I'll stir the river to flow Through the silent silver night. Finally Two lost souls running the rutted road, Fingers woven in rugs of pink and gold, You-Beneath the white, celestial eye.
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Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
A storm was approaching far in the West But the man stayed outside and laid to rest. For he could not hear; it was too far to see He knew it existed from what he learned on TV. Then all of a sudden, a soft rumbling he heard Among rustling of trees and the wings of the birds. His world grew dim-and began to cry As he looked to the heavens and heaved a tired sigh. He ran to his truck, grabbing his gun Headed toward the shack of his only son Afraid of the wind and the rain, he drove Remembering ...
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Interesting. I like it because it is short, sweet, to the point. I especially like the imagery of the last two lines. Good use of lack of punctuation and alliteration. =) Second line is a little too close to cliche for me, not really adding much to the poem.
Maybe I'm just not used to the "..."s, but it distracted me from the words of the poem from the beginning. "..."s imply a long, almost solemn silence, contrary to the theme that the family is full of life and joy. A normal period would have sufficed in making the reader slow down and absorb the words, which is what I think you were trying to do.
This is beautiful. I would only suggest deleting the "..."s just for aesthetics.
This is so personal with all the childhood memories. It makes me feel like I can relate, even though I know I don't. The carrying metaphors, like face and the card, from the beginning and end tie the poem together really well. I assume it was your close friend's father? If so, I like the new perspective. I don't understand the "box of playbills"... In my opinion, this poem is really really good.
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