KrissiKendall's profile

The meat and bones of the lyrics are there, but it seems a little rough. The first two stanzas are the best, but there's just something about that third part makes it all seem to go to pot. It sort of detracts from the emotion of the first two stanzas and makes it seem to 16 yr old girl's journal? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you could really work with this to make it something usable and I don't know how else to explain what I'm thinking.

Very smooth. It's an easy read for the tongue and and a stirring read for the mind. The first two lines immediately drew me in and just as I was about to skim it was over and I think the last two lines were my favorite. I don't just give good reviews to give them. I genuinely feel this is poetry, worthwhile poetry.

This was excellent! I truly mean that! I wish there was more. I could read an entire book in this format. I want to know more about the characters, the story. Who's Isabel, what happened with "the soldiers three"? Seriously, add to it and it will be even better, although it's quite perfect so far.

The first stanza just doesn't mesh well with the rest. The last four are incredible though. I especially love the "I’m immune. To the hustles, the hustlers, the too-tall redhead in the too-tight green blouse..." one. It rolls off my tongue and made me smile. I thinks it's almost there, except for that first part.

Overall it's great. You may want to re-work your second line, it doesn't flow with the rest of it. You know, maybe say something like- A girl from the mainland was she And never had been to the sea. Or something, I'm no good at limericks, but you get the idea. And you're right- as long as you like it, it's good.