I love this piece. It's so creative and creepy, but also kindof hopeful. The second-to-last paragraph could use some work, I don't belive the words "cease" and "swirling" are where they should be, and while it does give a nice air, it needs some re-arraging and re-wording.

I love this poem. I like the rhythm and the wording and the deep, rather scary meaning. And it's one of the few poems I've read that actually rhyme! Good job! If you were to publish it you might want to reword the line, "In a foolish quest they all were slain". It's off rhythm two syllables or so. And the word "stirring" in the line "Lifeless now on stirring sand." Doesn't quite work, I think. Go for the published, man!

As far as Journal/Diaries go, it's pretty good. I don't quite understand what exactly is going on, but that isn't something the writer should be concerned with. It's a sad little entry and I like the formatting. The fifth paragraph could use some work. oops sorry

I can't see what you're asking for in a review honestly, except for those rating things above. It's easy to see what you mean, very clear and precise sentences. And to relate to someone else...well these are all real feelings. I wouldn't know because I'm not experiencing them. Just because I need to feel useful, I'll tell you to rewrite the sentences, "I feel as if I am constantly placing myself in denial state of mind about everything, not allowing myself to come to full terms about what is ...

I read this a few days ago, and let me tell you it was a wonderful story. I want to be helpful, and not just fawn over it because I have you added as a friend, but it really is a good story. Just to feel useful I gotta say: "Fashion, manicures, waxing, ect." that whole sentence doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the story. Just wanna say that, perhaps it's my imagination, but it confuses me. Actually, everything confuses me but still. Oops I must leave but anyway good story. hehe grin. byby

Honestly, I don't get it. But that's my problem, 'cause I really don't get anything. Perhaps you should have a period at the end? Or would that count as another word? I like the use of "go on" strike as opposed to something else, because it sounds better, more casual, and adds the the comedic affect.

The layout is very well thought out. "Brilliant and bright Along the edge of the horizon Like a star" Good rhythm there. The word choice needs editing, I think. "A consistent hum from the little metal objects" The word "consistent" is not the best one to use here. Neither is the phrase, "the little metal objects". I don't have a suggestion for editing this one, but perhaps remove the word "the"? Agent...I don't know anything about agents. I think it's a good piece of poetry and any good piece...

First off, this is wonderful. It's well written and well plotted and the dialogue is really good. I think you portrayed the guards as unsavory characters. Which, if you intended that, is just fine. They just act very casual about a death. I think it would be awfully hard to die of a cut in the wrist. Unless he bled to death, which would be a very slow death. Or if he hit a major artery.

1. You mentioned attracting an agent. Publishers and agents do not appreciate prologues, for the most part. You're better off just cutting to the story. If the prologue is necessary, make sure it isn't too necessary, since readers tend to skip the prolouge. 2. "Windee was gathering together baby formula, diapers, and other items as Breez left their white-colored hut." Cut out the part about baby formula. It makes your piece controversial when it has no need to be. 3. I just LOVE the name Wind...