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LenR's profile
AGE:
70
LOC: Saint Charles, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 01
LOC: Saint Charles, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 01
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Version 2
5 Reviews
0 Comments
The Chariot of Santomas Star date: 52806 Personal Log Katheryn Janeway gazes at the ancient corner café a moment before entering. There isn’t a sign above the door, only an illegible smear on the café’s single large window, yet this café remains a San Francisco institution. Local legends claim the café has occupied the same location for a thousand years. Of course, the legends had to be wrong. San Francisco isn’t that old. Five hundred years seems a more reasonable number. It’s quite possibl...
Version 1
5 Reviews
15 Comments
IV Guinnan leans forward, her eyes fixed on Janeway. “Seven was crying when you found her?” Guinnan asks, breathlessly. “No. She’d stopped but I could still see the stains on her cheeks. Frankly, I was the only one who did because I declared her quarters off-limits and ordered everyone away from her. Later, I revived her and urged her to use my cabin to make herself presentable.” “So, you were the only one who knew she cried?” “Yes ---and no. Seven wasn’t herself for weeks and I think everyon...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
The Chariot of Santomas Star date: 52806 Personal Log Katheryn Janeway gazes at the ancient corner café a moment before entering. There isn’t a sign above the door, only an illegible smear on the café’s single large window, yet this café remains a San Francisco institution. Local legends claim the café has occupied the same location for a thousand years. Of course, the legends had to be wrong. San Francisco isn’t that old. Five hundred years seems a more reasonable number. It’s quite possibl...
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Reviews
It's not my genre, but it seems to have too much telling and not enough of the story telling itself. And, what is with the name: Jake? It's one first name that puts me off, because I've seen it too much in detective novels. If "Jake" was a woman, that would be novel.
Dialect is dangerous. It risks being either a crutch or annoying. I think its use in this story has elements of both. I've been around people you might consider 'red neck" and none of them sound anything like the man in the car. Actually, the man sounds like he's from Chicago's south side. The story will work as well with just a touch of dialect or none at all. Also, use your words like you're writing a poem. If the man in the car has a gun, call it a Glock or a Smith and Wessen or whatever,...
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