-So my first thought wad that the first paragraph sounded incredibly cheesy...until I realized that seems to be the manner of the character - and it works. So you proved me wrong there and I was able to get a pretty good sense of who Tony was rather quickly. -'Before we go on; I don’t worship Satan..' I don't believe a semi-colon is the correct punctuation here, as the first part of the sentence could not stand on its own. I think a comma would work much better...and I did not understand the...

-Wow. Well... this is under the short story category, so I am to assume it is a SS. In that sense, it left me unsatisfied. Who is Alexander? A random person the main character is obsessed with-for artistic purposes, or sexual (even though he denies them to himself)? -In the beginning I felt the main character liked the color of Alexander's hair, yet in the very last paragraph it is clear he cannot stand it....cannot stand it like he is so obsessed/in lust with the color? Or he literally does...

If I could vote this lower than a one, I would have. I don't see the point of this, except to voice your clear disdain for Bush. Why it is under the young adult category, I have no idea - if anything it should be under blogging, or journaling....you don't even bother going into why you dislike the president, which leads me to believe you have no reasons and possibly just follow the heard of democrats that cannot wait for a poor candidate such as Obama to be elected. You could have at least h...

So while I liked the story and was amused by it, the ending disappointed me. I can see the connection - barely - in the size (as the women were talking about) and the "small community" vs. the "big school", but it seemed very far-fetched. The ending just seemed a stretch and did not connect with the rest of the story for me. I really enjoyed it up until the ending...the way the narrator spoke with the women amused me and you were able to capture soccer-mom chat well. Overall I liked it, but ...

I did not like the structure of the beginning there, it distracted me. I think the only way that would work is if that were on a separate page in the very beginning of the book (which could very well be what you intended but could not make happen on this site).... I was a bit confused as to what this story is going to be about. It did well in getting my attention and curiosity, but I think maybe a bit more foreshadowing to where you are going with the story would be great. I could not identi...

-Some punctuation is confusing. And there are quite a few words that are not separated with spaces. Examples: 'The woman sat down at a table covered with dark blue, and purplefabric.' 'Anyone would be a fool to let their guard down around this woman. Hethought.' In the first, you don't need the comma at all. Pausing there is awkward. In the second, I think it would read better replacing the comma with a period. The way it's written now makes it sound like Adam is wrong and that a person could...

As a short story, I did not like it. Only because of the fact that it does not wrap itself up at all. The reader is left not understanding what Seth's real issues were, as well as being clueless to the conclusion of the story. Although the dream does present a conflict, there really isn't a climax within the story to entice the reader. It amused me as a read, and it left me wishing that you;d written more....maybe there is a conclusion to this short story? Or a second part?

So if you were going for shock value, good job. ;) The whole eating-the-baby thing was sick, so you did well there - I assume you were going for sick. I didn't really understand the connection between Leather Jacket man and Marcus. I got that they both had a thing for religion and believing the child was some sort of Anti-Christ, but you never actually identify the connection between the two on that subject. It kind of left me a little unsatisfied with it; I think you could have elaborated a ...

'with her weight equally portion to her size' I think you mean proportioned there, rather than portion. I wouldn't say this could be a children's read-it definitely falls under the YA category. I think you should elaborate quite a bit more on the teacher, why he/she (?) is so attracted to her, besides the physical. Especially when you say she seemed like everyone else...why (besides the mention of her age)? I know you said the piece isn't finished, so I hope you do continue it, because the r...

'didn’t seem to work, the depression, and loneliness still had a hold on me' The second comma there is unnecessary. It reads with a pause there, which is a bit awkward. 'I was very afraid of and early death by her' I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say in this sentence... I liked your description of the can of worms not being a regular can of worms, but a big crazy one, that was well done. I think you're doing well writing for the YA crowd, especially with your references to 'Rob...