Loser701 has no favorites yet.
Please login to continue.
Loser701's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 04
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 04
Not much to say.
I’m just me.
Read my stuff, I guess.
If you like it, right on.
If not, whatever.
It’s all good.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
Rush forward onto rocky shore; Fall back into a vengeful wave. Remember what it's like to soar. Eternally, they can't ignore Sparkling treasures they think to save; Rush forward onto rocky shore. Whisked away, clinging hearts yearn for Lost tokens, empty thoughts, souls crave. Remember what it's like to soar. Higher and higher they must soar; Farther and farther they must brave. Rush forward onto rocky shore. No reward for rushing waves, nor Do locals or wanderers rave; Remember what it's lik...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
Tread quickly through tousled brush for Rarely does the graveyard slumber, Forever dark and seeking more. Careless weeds found in great number Decay further year after year, Rarely does the graveyard slumber. Rotting bloom not scarcely found here-- Gifts of long ago age slowly, Decay further year after year. Unkempt graves are hardly holy As faded words reach out for home; Gifts of long ago age slowly. Forgotten dreams and lost souls roam-- These eternal spirits wander As faded words reach ou...
Ratings & Rankings
[ View all items ]
Reviews
I feel like this poem isn't really fully developed. If you're going for the cycle theme, I would work on developing more representation of that. Rather than just stating something leads to something...give an example perhaps. It also seems rather detached, like more needed to be put in to make it "come alive," so to speak. I suggest you keep working on this.
Spell checking your work is a fairly important part of the writing process, so fixing "floatng" would be a good start here. Also, ocean is a 2 syllable word, so your first and second line are right in that aspect. However your last line has one too many syllables. Furthermore, a haiku is supposed to combine meaningful content & elequent language in a compact form. I don't think you've succeeded here. The idea of the eyes being doorway to the soul isn't exactly new, so it should be elaborated ...
I felt this piece was too short to really be considered a short story. It was more like the outline of a beginning and end of a story. It felt like it needed more substance. I dig the idea behind this drabble though. The idea of discovering what's at the end of the rainbow is interesting. "I can stand and glaze at the world as a child but live out my life without fear of the end." I think you meant "gaze" there but I liked that sentence. Also I would just watch punctuation & wording a little ...
I love the imagery in this poem, and I think you've managed to express a great deal of emotion with relatively few words. My favorite part was by far "A cup melts in my hands, But you remain concrete" Beautiful line, it reminds me of something that I just can't place... The only thing that bothers me just a little is punctuation. I found it a little distracting that a comma was used on the 11th line, but was completely absent throughout the rest of the poem. And I think line 6 was supposed to...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People
