Lyl_Anjle's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 16
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 16
Wife, mother, poet, aspiring playwright.
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Version 1
0 Reviews
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Keep your tears; give him your mouth - a kiss to calm and charm and warm, to relive when he is far from home and hearth, and death is all around. Keep your fears; give him your faith. Unfurl your brow and school your face - a smile to feed his failing strength, a quiet touch, a fierce embrace. Keep your stance; let him go. Watch the warrior march away, watch till the last... then turn away. No time to mourn your house is bare; cast off your silk, bind up your hair; cast out your prayer acros...
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
I recall a living doll with eyes a jaded green in life a thing a blight in dreams a queen an angel fierce and bright at night she sings sotto-voice lest this self-solace bring the monster back indignant I remember this littleness not fondly, no but faithfully she sucks solitude like a thumb thin voice whispering vespers in the dark dragging hope like a tattered blanket behind her.
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
Webster and I grew a garden of metaphor watered with ten-dollar words from his weathered pages and sunned in abstract things I cried - 'Let there be meaning!' then yielded to the giggles whilst Webster skimmed for synonyms but found none... 'There are things,' (he solomnly intoned) 'for which I have no words.' so on the seventh stanza we rested.
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Reviews
I enjoyed this story, even though I have to admit that it turned my stomache a bit in places - but then I suppose that's what it was meant to do! On a technical level, it is a well-crafted and polished piece of work. Thanks for sharing this.
I love it, but it's like trying to read a rubix cube :) I got 'senseless sentences transposed' and possibly 'Whiskey well worded'? Tell me if I'm wrong please! And what a fantastic puzzle-poem! Thanks x
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I love the voice of this piece. It's poetic in its rythm and imagry, but it has the starkness of a soul being bared. This line in particular The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all. really got me, square in the chest, and rather sums up how I feel about the story :) On the picky final-line side of things, I'll say watch your tenses. This moves from past to present and back again quite a lot. Also this line You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in y...
I found this a fantastic read from beginning to end. I was completely sucked into the story. I even said 'Ut-oh' out loud when old Wilhelm fell down. Your dialogue flows very naturally, and your direction makes the script flow almost like a novel. It needs a bit of final line editing - watch the 'your' vs 'you're' and 'there's' vs 'there are' etc. There are a few blips like that, but overall this is a wonderful piece of work.
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