I’m thinking he’d have a thought about making Kit was home ok. Not to spend a lot of time on it, but after the nightmare he had the night before (CH 3), and the exchange in her room when she got home the day before (CH 2), I think he should at least look in on her. I don’t think you need to tell us Michael is playing devil’s advocate – we can tell by the dialogue. He sighed… this begins an introspection, so I don’t think the “even more than he knew” is appropriate. If he doesn’t know, how can...

What commotion? When we left him last chapter, he was moaning in consternation. The voice he wanted to hear – the only voice? Gives it a more emotional punch. “he looked at his” – it’s time to use Michael’s name again. We went from “intern” to “doctor.” It’s a bit confusing. Or did the real doctor come in? “Uh oh…” Is this supposed to be in quotes? Dewey said it, right? “… playing Hardy Boys…” I love that. Cheers! - Shiara

“One of these days…” Is this Crazy Girl talking? The way the quotes are, it looks like Mariah picked up the conversation, but then she talks about forgiveness as if this was Crazy Girl’s paragraph. Same thing with the paragraph that starts “Look, he loves you…” When you start a new paragraph with the same person talking, you don’t close out the previous paragraph; just leave it open and they continue talking. “laying this obligation on him” – I’d strike the word obligation. It doesn’t sound l...

Lots of “he” in here. You do like your pronouns, don’t you? ::grins:: The change in POV during the phone conversation is disconcerting. Stick with Dewey. “Tell Molly hi…” is out of the blue. She’s been obscure and insignificant. Dewey didn’t mention her during his visit… ? “You wish.” Is this Dewey’s inner self confronting him with the truth, or one of the girls, or Mike? Understand my questioning it – we have indeed had mind-reading and thought-invasion going on… “when they brought him downs...

smile on his face, as opposed to… where? …countered in their old banter… is awkward for me. How about something like …countered. Their banter was old, familiar, and friendly territory, and assured the boys that all was forgiven and would be well again. Idk, something along those lines. Neither mentioned Mike not being on his bike? Or do you mean his board? The van in the garage… I thought dude kept the door down? Crazy Girl had to lift it for Dewey to see in… I think I’ve mentioned this befor...

Aww. You've captured the voice of the child very well. As such, I'm going to back off the grammatical errors and call it vernacular, but can expound on the more distracting ones if you wish. Think about rephrasing to "...crackled like dishes breaking..." since afterward Pearl speaks of multiple dishes. Period after "... three big pieces." Then go on with the details. No comma after roof. Period after cards, and let that last phrase stand alone. More impact. period after second "too close..." ...

Hey :) mothers face = mother's Can we make the Viet Nam issue part of the dialogue that Grandfather overhears? It might give more impact at the end when he gives up the dog tags. I'd also like some reaction from Grandfather at the breakfast table to show that he cares about Scilla not talking to him. For the first while, I'm not convinced he gives a hoot about the smoking issue. It's been a whole year after all. Is this the first clue he's ever gotten from them? Seems an 8-year-old would at l...

Hi :) first line: either strike "the," or put "of" between piecing and together. Great opener. Hard visual in second sentence. "digging... she dumped..." I keep thinking "which is it?" Pick or rephrase to make the picture clearer? "in route" = "EN route" "just standing there..." made me reread. She's not actually - she's desperately seeking her wallet. Does this sentence have significance to the whole? Is she distracted by the smell and stops looking for a moment or something? It seems overki...

The manipulation is admirably clever. My only "hitch" was with the word *crave*, which makes me think food, as opposed to maybe *yearn*. But that might just be a regional or dialect thing. IMHO, it _is_ publication ready. Submit immediately. To a mag that pays $$. Cheers!

which was now populated = "populated" infers permenant residence. How about overrun Continuity issue: I'm bothered that the coroner has to direct them to a new campsite. Chap 8 implied the boys know the area very well - well enough to have their own "secret" campsite. I think they would be aware of their site options. By now = messes with tense. How about "By this time" ? the first article of the missing girl = insert "newspaper" article, otherwise it could be read (which I did at first) as a...