MaggieMinardi's profile
AGE:
34
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 29
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 29
After several years of writers block, fear, and excuses, I’m writing again. I had a short story, “Something More”, published in 1997 in a small magazine, Potpourri. It was not my best story, but it is a feat I hope to repeat.
Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
11 Comments
Alzheimer’s begins at the periphery, shading small pieces. We are talking on the phone, my mother and I. I’m drying dishes, the phone between my right shoulder and cheek, a strip of my brown hair caught by the mouthpiece. “Do you remember?” she asks again. “Do you remember that girl? That girl, what is her name? Oh what is her name? You know, that girl.” I push my lips together so that I won’t finish her question for her, so that I won’t answer before she can finish asking. I close my eyes s...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
36 Reviews
8 Comments
Brent and I always get closer when he doesn't have a girlfriend. He tries to nudge his way in when I have a boyfriend; I don't let him. He's persistent, but I can be too. I sit in the brown chair beside the couch if I have someone. If I'm uncomfortable I pace in front of the television, knowing that he's still watching me. He either sits on the couch or at my feet on the worn beige carpeting. The couch reminds me of a big tweed jacket; Brent just doesn't look right on it. But that's where I ...
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Reviews
I like it quite a bit. With the tubes and wires mention, I initially went towards end of life, but that has more to do with my own life currently than the poem. My only concern is that a mention of Caesar can be a gray area. Power and success, yes. Betrayal, certainly. This might be deliberately placing that uncharted water ahead of the blank slate of a child, the depth hinted at there. Wow, if you did that deliberately, that's genius, and a little bit dark, too, but very intense. Congratulat...
There's a lot going on here and I would really like to see it expanded. If that's not your vision for this piece, so be it. The first paragraph did not flow as well as the rest of the piece. It seemed like you were trying to throw a bunch of descriptions in to set the scene, but maybe take out some of the bumpy bits. For instance, I've never seen fingerprints on wineglasses unless I'm looking up close as I'm washing them, or if I've just put on LOTS of handlotion. But lipstick, yes. And does ...
I think your writing is better than your story. A few notes, the beginning is abrupt. If you can smooth out the first three sentences to flow better, I think it would help a lot. In the 2nd paragraph, the sentence with the Father's gray hair is awkward. It just seems too many bits of description throw together in one sentence. Those were the only issues I had with your writing style. As for the story, I think it's too easy, too much of a stereotype, too black and white. Abuse stories are comm...
Wow. This is obviously just a bit of something, but with some adaptations, it could stand alone. I hope you don't do that, though, because I want very much to know more about these characters. I don't see any real flaws at this point, maybe because it's so short. Sometimes when you have a longer piece, you realize on page 10 that she's got brown hair, but they should have told you on page two, since you've pictured her blond. So be aware of that as you develop it. You have a great voice and a...
The contrasts are strong in the second stanza and really define the piece for me. On second reading, I note that in the first stanza you refer to her seeing herself. I think what's really important is that she DOESN'T see herself, or at least not as you see her. I interpreted "the enemy that will lay [her] cities low" as her self-destruction, her own anger. I also wonder, since you laid it out in the title, what was it about her that made her your friend? It's easy to dislike her, maybe too e...
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