I like the imbalances (painted, pale) and some of the ideas put forth. But I don't think it flows as well as it could. Also, for me, "softer" and "less coarse" are redundant. Is the question "When did this become my sister?" Or "When did my sister become THIS?" It's something to consider further. I do think you could expand on this piece and take it somewhere. I'd like to know more about the tigers of your youth than the ponytail. Good luck.

You have moments of great clarity and description (the moon, heavy blankets of guilt), then moments of confusion. It becomes clear by the second page what story this is retelling, but if I were a non-Christian outsider, and even as someone raised Christian, there are moments of confusion. Where do the soldiers enter suddenly? It jumps around from the physical to the spiritual without that much differentiation. Retellings are tough because you have a long line of history to stand above and apa...

If I read it as a poem, I do like this piece. I find reviewing songs tough because to me, the music really makes or breaks it. It is a bit simplistic with all the repetition of "Sweet Son of Mine" and the general repetition. I do enjoy the small changes, steps towards something deeper within each stanza. But in 3:35 seconds or so, hearing it instead of seeing it, is a listener going to notice and understand "lift me up" versus "lift me out". I notice you don't have a chorus, but intead the re...

The contrasts are strong in the second stanza and really define the piece for me. On second reading, I note that in the first stanza you refer to her seeing herself. I think what's really important is that she DOESN'T see herself, or at least not as you see her. I interpreted "the enemy that will lay [her] cities low" as her self-destruction, her own anger. I also wonder, since you laid it out in the title, what was it about her that made her your friend? It's easy to dislike her, maybe too e...

Wow. This is obviously just a bit of something, but with some adaptations, it could stand alone. I hope you don't do that, though, because I want very much to know more about these characters. I don't see any real flaws at this point, maybe because it's so short. Sometimes when you have a longer piece, you realize on page 10 that she's got brown hair, but they should have told you on page two, since you've pictured her blond. So be aware of that as you develop it. You have a great voice and a...

I think your writing is better than your story. A few notes, the beginning is abrupt. If you can smooth out the first three sentences to flow better, I think it would help a lot. In the 2nd paragraph, the sentence with the Father's gray hair is awkward. It just seems too many bits of description throw together in one sentence. Those were the only issues I had with your writing style. As for the story, I think it's too easy, too much of a stereotype, too black and white. Abuse stories are comm...

There's a lot going on here and I would really like to see it expanded. If that's not your vision for this piece, so be it. The first paragraph did not flow as well as the rest of the piece. It seemed like you were trying to throw a bunch of descriptions in to set the scene, but maybe take out some of the bumpy bits. For instance, I've never seen fingerprints on wineglasses unless I'm looking up close as I'm washing them, or if I've just put on LOTS of handlotion. But lipstick, yes. And does ...

I like it quite a bit. With the tubes and wires mention, I initially went towards end of life, but that has more to do with my own life currently than the poem. My only concern is that a mention of Caesar can be a gray area. Power and success, yes. Betrayal, certainly. This might be deliberately placing that uncharted water ahead of the blank slate of a child, the depth hinted at there. Wow, if you did that deliberately, that's genius, and a little bit dark, too, but very intense. Congratulat...

I do like this. I was working on several at one time, most of which I've forgotten, but yours is far better than "I thought I'd have more time." (which was the one I remember. It makes you think, which I always find intriguing.

I enjoyed this. I collected dolls and each one has a special story and a special place. I even have a Mme Alexander Cissy doll, I believe. How that relates to the poem: I am your target audience. I understand why these dolls are symbols of events in your life. Would you be able to - without losing the flow - broaden the poem so that a man could understand the value of your dolls. How are they like his team paraphenalia. If it damages the flow, I wouldn't risk it. Because the flow and phrasing...