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Marcus's profile
AGE:
46
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 16
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 16
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Version 1
10 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 1 The N’filim were on the earth in those days, and afterwards, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them; these were the ancient heroes, men of renown. B’resheet 6:4 Kasheel stood like a rock before the mirror of polished bronze. It still amazed him how little it revealed. When he concentrated and looked only with his eyes, nothing but the cold shell of his being was reflected. It sent a shudder down his back to realise that this was all othe...
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Liked the twist at the end of renewed Naivety. Lots of potential. My reservations would be more historic and cultural sensibility. I assume this is the first crusade, how about a date? The name of a king or a pope for context? You mention 'My sense of a good and just world and all the liberties that kind of world entails.' Speaking as a political philosopher, I'm afraid a man of this time simply would not think like this. A just world would be one in which everyone did his duty to God and Kin...
This would hook me. I'm waiting for the rest. Everythng works. It has all that is needed for a start. I've only given it 7 because there's just not enough to know how well it will continue and because the word 'persuasion' for the opposite sex irritates me, its just bad English and inacurate.
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Nicely conversational. One feels one is being confided in. Has that workable naration of old detective novels. I would continue reading from here. I would hope it doesn't flit around quite as much as it progresses, but setles down into a story.
I liked this a lot, and would have given it a higher rating, but it went on a bit and could use some editing down, a little less bread, makes the filling seem more and taistier. A rich snack of an article. As a Brit I am still disenfranchised regarding the actual experience of the PB & J. I will try it. Yes clearly it is that good in its persuasive power.
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A very young writer; I hope. Ok so there's potential, but the English, basic punctuation, syntax etc is dreadful. This is an example when less would be more. Shorter sentences would be better and don't try to use up all your adjectives in one go. Hint with metaphor rather than describe sometimes. As a GSCE (British exams for 16 year olds) essay I would give it a C/B and send the student to read some good examples of this sort of writing.
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