First the not so good: needs tightening up, and needs a little more of what's wrong with the girl's situation. Some of the similes don't work that well. Often simpler is better--don't love the skateboard one. But now the good: you handle dialogue very well and have just the right touch to make characters vivid even in a very short piece. I'd work on this a little more and resubmit.

Although your lines are short, the poem itself does not feel choppy, and the half-rhymes as well as the entire rhyme scheme accomplish what I'm guessing is your goal: to wish a slim and simple spirit on its way in spite of the speaker's sadness. (Wow! didn't mean to get all those s'es together like that.) The word you might be looking for--you mention putting on a coat--would be "don" and I think it might work better than "dawn." Margaret

You say up front that this is a diary entry, and unfortunately that's exactly what it sounds like. This isn't to say that you can't put it to good use. But as it stands, it reads as if you are writing for yourself, not for readers. Notice that everything you say about him is a generality; there is really nothing specific, nothing to make a reader understand on a gut level why you love/hate him. I wonder if you would consider trying to shape your feelings into a poem rather that fiction/nonfic...

Very nice! Something to think about, something to read about, and something to write about!

There is so much potential here, and for that reason I hesitate to say too much. The emotion is broiling under the prose; I would just suggest that you get rid of anything that might sound trite, commonplace, or simplistic. Your images are great overall--just get rid of the mundane.

The story line itself works well, but there are several problems that are distracting. The spelling errors (even within the Coleridge quote) pull the reader away from content, as does the switching of tense between past and present. I'd put it all in the present tense, and also look for cliches such as "sharp as a tack."

While sci-fi is not my field, this is a fast-moving (no pun intended), exciting, and fascinating story. Your command of language, your ability to handle dialogue, and your talent for creating suspense are absolutely amazing for a 15 year old. You should definitely bring your work to the attention of agents. I'm assuming that you have already published, but if not, you should certainly send your pieces out to appropriate magazines/journals. The minor editing problems just need a careful reread...

Cindy, You've done a great job with this story. The dialogue works well, and you manage to convey the needed background information in ways that don't interrupt the flow. This can be difficult when you have a first-person narrator, and you've done it well. And even though the piece is short, you manage to create three fascinating characters. I was especially impressed with the strength of the character of the newly dead man--he's quite a ghost! I would encourage you to do some research and se...

While I realize this is a chapter out of the context of the whole, I found it absolutely riveting! You handle all the important points of novel writing extremely well. To begin with, you draw the reader in with an interesting but not overly exciting scene that is enlivened and made totally real by the strength of your descriptions. And those are given their impact by your use of original and extremely apt similes and metaphors. Then you build the tension, slowly and magically, adding to the c...

Powerful opening-- I would absolutely like to read more. Your descriptions are vivid, and you control the ebb and flow of tension extremely well. The pacing is also excellent. I can't comment with any accuracy about how it measures up overall since I'm not familiar with the genre, nor can I predict how publishable the finished product will be. But you are a very good writer and I send all best wishes for your success. Margaret