MasterP's profile

I'm going to comment on stuff as it appears to me, and then give you an overall impression/comment. -"I occasionally forget where I come from" --this is a very unusual statement, as I don't think I've ever seen this line in any other book/story I've read. Yes, amnesia does this, but I doubt this is what is going on... -ephemeral -- might be too rare of a word to use, but I like it :). -The entire sentence w/ ephemeral doesn't sound right. If the dude it occasionally forgetful, then would it s...

From "As I lay reveling," onward, the poem's last lines are are absolutely amazing. Why? Because the story A) explains itself and B) travels while doing so. Traveling, meaning..."Revelling" ----> "fleeting" ----> "passing fancy". The rest of the poem needs work for coherence and clarity. "Memory of you,/skin like silk" doesn't work very well. I suggest adding a 'your' before skin, or entirely rewording it. It made me pause. I'd make the lines a bit more like: "Moonlit memory of mine,/yo...

hm. I liked it a lot. I thought the very beginning was the weakest part where Wink was describing Zoom!. I think the transition from Zoom!'ing, puking and then describing Zoom! could have been done a bit slower with a lot more detail. Maybe not the puking part, but where they were/what their surroundings were. It would be even funnier if they appeared outside the Sidney Opera House. Where is Sunnyside anyhow? And how would that affect the daytime/nighttime of being teleported to Sidney/Melbou...

I only realized it was 'she' who was having the baby at the "sharp pains" and "rushed to hospital to have baby" part. Maybe I'm stupid? But I thought it was a he throughout the short story up until that pt. Especially since she carried in her own bags..or whatnot. The story seems a bit long for what it does. But perhaps that's needed given the context of the journey that happens, so as to give the story a bit of space and presence. It would be twenty times more interesting if something happen...